


i've pinned each and every hope on you (i hope that you don't bleed)

by Italianbikini



Category: Amazing Phil, Dan Howell - Fandom, Daniel Howell - Fandom, Phil Lester - Fandom
Genre: Alcohol, M/M, Not A Happy Ending, Suicidal Thoughts, i just needed him for parallels, sorry i don't actually know adrian, uhhh okay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-25
Updated: 2017-07-25
Packaged: 2018-12-06 16:00:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 21,802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11603991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Italianbikini/pseuds/Italianbikini
Summary: Dan was fine. And Phil was fine. And sometimes they were a little less fine, but mostly they were a very nice fine. And it all revolves around what they find in the shoebox.





	i've pinned each and every hope on you (i hope that you don't bleed)

So there was a shoebox. Among all their other things, that shoebox was the most important.

“What’s this?”

Dan glanced back. “I think it’s mementos.”

“From what?”

“Dunno. Haven’t seen it in a while.”

It was packed in the back of the closet, under several layers of stuff. Unassuming.

Phil pulled the lid off. “Hey, is this the sharpie? From the-”

“That first video!” Dan laughed. “With those goddamn cat whiskers.”

“Didn’t we steal this from my mum’s office?”

“I think so.”

There were a few other things like that in there. Tucked underneath it all were a set of letters.

“What are these?”

Dan shrugged. “Let me see.”

One was labeled “Mum & Dad”. One was labeled “Adrian”. One was labeled “Phil”.

Dan packed them in a different box. “I’ll look at those later.”

 

Several weeks passed. They moved. They settled in. Phil’s mum sent the first piece of mail, and the letters came back into orbit.

“Did you ever look at those letters?”

“Huh?”

“From your closet.”

“What letters?”

 

Dan no longer had good hiding places. The letters were stuffed in the empty DVD case for “The Dark Knight Rises”. All the letters were unopened. The “Mum & Dad” one seemed a bit...personal, and since he didn’t know what the letters contained, he was a bit scared of the “Phil” one. He only took the one labeled “Adrian”.

 

_Dear Adrian,_

_You’re so young, so I don’t know if you’re going to read this any time soon. Mum and Dad might not let you. At least, not without reading it first. If that’s the case--mum, dad, please stop reading. Let me speak to my brother one on one for the last time._

 

It felt wrong to read past that, but Phil still wasn’t sure what it was. Dan started coming down the hall, so he put everything back and grabbed the “Totoro” case.

“Phil?”

“Can we watch this?”

Dan grinned. He had no idea.

 

Phil had to take an extra long shower that night to wash off the guilt. Some of the phrases still bounced around the front of his mind.

‘Let me speak to my brother one on one for the last time.’

‘For the last time.’

‘You’re so young.’

Obviously the letters were old. But what were they concerning? What did the one to Phil say?

Why did the phrase ‘for the last time’ bother him so much?

It was a letter. Dan was still living at home at the time. Of course he would see Adrian again. It wouldn’t be the last time.

 

Martyn called the next night. Phil expressed his confusion and concern.

“Phil, I dunno if you should have read that.”

“I know, but it was bothering me! And Adrian was never going to get it, obviously, and--and why did Dan pretend they didn’t exist?”

“He probably didn’t want you to read them for a reason.”

“I know.”

“He doesn’t know you did it?”

“No, I can’t tell him that!”

Martyn’s silence said it all.

 

Dan went to the shop the next day, and Phil snuck back into his room. Adrian’s letter was still open, but Phil’s letter was gone. There was a sticky note that said ‘ _Help yourself_ ’, but it seemed insincere.

He texted Dan.

 

->Dan: Sorry

<-Dan: what did you do

->Dan: The letters. I shouldn’t have pried.

<-Dan: i remembered what they were, so i took yours. you don’t need to see that. but you can read the rest as long as you promise not to ask me about it.

->Dan: I won’t read them. They aren’t my business

<-Dan: thanks.

 

Reluctantly, Phil put the DVD case back, keeping a tight hold on Adrian’s letter.

 

->Dan: can I finish reading Adrian’s first

<-Dan: i thought you had read it ?

->Dan: Just the first paragraph. I felt wrong reading it but I can’t stop wondering.

<-Dan: adrian’s letter is tame. feel free to finish it. just don’t read m&d’s.

->Dan: I swear I won’t.

<-Dan: and don’t mention the letters to my family.

->Dan: I promise.

 

The letter seemed lighter, but it was still the same two pages. Maybe the permission had lifted the weight of the guilt.

 

_So...hi. I’m not sure how much of this I want you to understand. Basically, I’m really sad. All the time. I don’t get enjoyment from much. I like playing video games with you every day. You’re getting better. Keep getting better, okay? You can have all the consoles and games. My gameboy is in my sock drawer, so please make sure M &D don’t sell that._

_If you ever feel this sad, please tell someone. I would have, but that’s not the ~~obvious answer~~ best choice for me. It may be for you. I hope you find someone to talk to._

_Ideally, a boy will be coming to my f party that you don’t know. He’s tall and has black hair and I want you to give him the letter labeled Phil. PLEASE don’t let mum and dad read it. Or talk to him Just give it to him. He should know who you are._

 

Well, that had to be Phil. But what party was he talking about? Phil had never been invited to one of Dan’s parties when he was that young. (He didn’t know how long ago this was, but he assumed they had just become friends. Phil had met Adrian relatively early on.)

 

_I guess that’s it. Stay ace and talk to people and make friends and kiss cute boys or girls. I wish I had. Sorry I can’t stick around._

_-:Dan xx_

 

‘Stay ace’ was something he had picked up from Phil, obviously, so they definitely had to be friends at this point.

So. What.

 

Dan tried to stay away as long as possible, but Phil evidently missed him and asked several times for him to come home quickly, so finally he did. When he got home, Dan was nervous. What was Phil going to ask? Or say?

But Phil just offered to make dinner, smiling and laughing, and Dan--quite cautiously--said yes.

“What did you get at the shop?” Phil asked as he grabbed some pots. Dan just shrugged.

“Asparagus.” When Phil gave him a look, he floundered. “It was on sale.”

“We don’t...eat asparagus...?” Phil laughed. Dan grinned in spite of himself.

“We should. It’s green.”

“Right, okay, well...grab the oil, we’ll try it!”

They tried asparagus. It wasn’t great, because Phil couldn’t cook, but Dan ate it anyway because Phil had tried. After dinner, they typically watched an anime, but they had just finished one and Dan wanted a palate cleanser.

“What’s on Netflix that we can watch?”

“There’s that one show about the girl and the tapes,” Dan offered.

He was fine. He could watch it. Tapes were different. Razors (which were the girl’s choice) were different. He would be fine.

They sat in their positions on the couch, Netflix came up, and Dan settled in. If he didn’t like the first episode, he would go. He would be fine.

He was fine.

 

Phil was a bit hesitant to start _13 Reasons Why_. All the reviews made it seem really dark and depressing, but Dan insisted. So they watched.

It was okay. It made Phil sad that she was gone, but maybe in a few episodes he’d get it. Her story seemed so interesting, and the apathy seemed so...unusual.

About three minutes in, Phil heard sniffling. He blinked at the screen, but nobody in the classroom was crying. They were all on their phones and talking about ways to get help and-

The sniffling came again, from next to him. Then, suddenly, Dan bolted out of the room. Phil scrambled for the remote to pause it, because maybe Dan was sick and he wouldn’t want to miss the rest of the episode.

Dan’s bedroom door slammed shut. So maybe he wasn’t sick.

What happened? Phil sighed, staring at the TV, hoping it would give him an answer, and then it did.

Hannah Baker committed suicide and left behind a way to talk to the people she loved even after she was gone.

‘Let me speak to my brother one on one for the last time.’

‘I remembered what they were, so I took yours. You don’t need to see that.’

‘As long as you promise not to ask me about it.’

‘Don’t mention the letters to my family.’

‘For the last time.’

‘You don’t need to see that.’

‘I’m really sad. All the time. I don’t get enjoyment from much.’

‘You can have all the consoles and games.’

‘If you ever feel this sad, please tell someone. I would have, but that’s not the best choice for me.’

‘I wish I had. Sorry I can’t stick around.’

“Oh god,” Phil said to himself. No wonder Dan ran out.

_Dan had wanted to kill himself. Before he had even met Phil._

“Dan?!”

Dan’s door was still closed. Phil took a breath as he faced it. “Dan, can I come in?”

“Yeah.” Dan’s voice was faint.

He was sitting on his bed, scrubbing at his eyes. The letters were strewn across the bed. Phil’s was partially open.

Dan took a shaky breath. “Sorry.”

Phil shook his head. “No, I’m sorry.”

Dan laughed. It seemed strange for him to be so sad but still be able to laugh.

“Phil. You can’t apologize for saving my life. Don’t try.”

“I can’t...what?”

Dan looked up at him. “You mean...you mean you really don’t know.”

Phil shrugged. He wasn’t sure what he didn’t know, so it was a bit hard to answer that.

“You are the reason I didn’t need these,” Dan said, gesturing to the letters. He had stopped crying, thank god.

Then Phil processed what Dan had said.

“I...what?”

“Phil, oh my god,” Dan groaned, standing up and moving towards Phil. “Listen. I didn’t need these because of you.”

“I didn’t save your life,” Phil said dumbly. Dan grabbed his hands. Phil stared at Dan, then down at their hands, then back up at Dan. “You can’t say that I did that.”

Dan laughed, though it seemed uncomfortable. “Phil. Phil, listen to me. You did.”

“I didn’t do that. I couldn’t have done that.” Phil felt his mouth moving, but he couldn’t control what he was saying. “I didn’t save your life, you didn’t need me for that-”

“The day after I wrote these, you said you wanted to hang out with me. You asked if we could meet. You told me, in your own Phil way, that there was something worth sticking around for.”

“No,” Phil said. He understood what Dan was saying. He believed it. He knew what Dan had been like, and what he was saying wasn’t far off. But something about it seemed wrong. Any kind of world, fictional or not, seemed wrong without Dan. And to imagine if he had gone through with it…?

“No,” Phil repeated, eyes welling up. Dan laughed, wiping at his own eyes.

“Oh, for fucks sake, Phil, what now?”

“You...you wanted to…?”

“I wanted to, but I don’t anymore. That’s because of you.”

“You wanted to…” Phil repeated. Dan frowned.

“Phil, why are you crying?”

Phil felt ill. “Oh my god. Oh my _god_.”

“Phil?”

Phil jerked. He needed air to breathe, or something, but he was so overwhelmed that he couldn’t focus.

Dan wanted to kill himself. Dan wanted to die. Phil couldn’t have done anything. Dan could kill himself and Phil wouldn’t be able to stop it.

“Phil, will you--hey, come sit down. I’m okay, listen, I’m fine--Phil!”

The room was swimming.

 

“You wouldn’t have done it,” Phil said faintly. Dan grabbed his arm and lead him to the bed, trying to pull Phil back into reality. He hadn’t considered this kind of reaction from Phil. Usually Phil was so level-headed. He understood the difference between past-Dan and present-Dan. But not with this, apparently. Maybe the shock of it was too much.

“I almost did, but I didn’t. Because of you.” Phil wasn’t focusing, so Dan tried grabbing his face. “Will you--look at me, okay? We can talk about this.”

“You wanted to die,” Phil practically whispered. His face turned towards Dan, but Dan could tell that he wasn’t really looking.

“ _Not anymore_ ,” Dan insisted. “Please focus, okay? _I’m_ starting to get worried about _you_.”

Phil focused a bit at that. Of course. “I would never...”

“Neither would I. Hey-”

“You said you would.”

“I was like, eighteen.”

“ _Eighteen_!” Phil stood back up and pulled at his hair. Dan groaned.

“Phil, do you not recognize that I am not that same person?”

“You could be gone right now.”

“But I’m not. Because of-” Dan stood, tried to reach for Phil, to get him to sit back down, but-

“Yeah, sure, because of me, _whatever_ ,” Phil spat, spinning and shaking Dan’s hand off. “If I had put it off _one more day_ like I thought I was going to then _I wouldn’t have a best friend_ . And you--you _still_ would have had the audacity to invite me to the funeral of a guy I hardly knew! I don’t even know you now, apparently.”

Silence rested between them. Dan’s hand was still floating in rejection. Phil heaved, scrubbing at his eyes stubbornly.

“What part of ‘you saved my life’ is hard for you to understand?” Dan said finally. “I am here because of you. It doesn’t _matter_ what you didn’t do or almost did or what you think now that you should have done then. What you did was enough.”

Phil sniffed, then nodded. “I just can’t imagine my life without you, y’know?” he mumbled after a moment. “You could be six feet under right now and it would be all my fault.”

“Just because you were the reason why not, doesn’t mean you were part of the reason why,” Dan said. “Are you okay? Do you need to talk?”

“Just turn off that _stupid_ fucking show,” Phil spat. “I hate it. Nobody even understands what it would be like.”

“Done,” Dan said immediately, reaching for Phil’s arm again. Suddenly Dan was engulfed in a hug.

“You’re okay now?” Phil mumbled into Dan’s neck. Dan wrapped his arms around Phil’s shoulders.

“Yes, I’m okay now.”

Phil buried himself tighter in Dan’s chest. “Swear?”

“I swear.”

 

They didn’t speak about it for another few months. Things seemed totally fine. Dan was happy, and Phil had learned to let it go and stop thinking about it. Then one day, when PJ and Sophie had come over for dinner, they let PJ pick the movie.

“Let’s watch this one,” PJ said, coming back from Dan’s room with the DVD case for “Crossroads”, an old Britney Spears movie. Phil laughed.

“Phil _hates_ that movie,” Dan said emphatically, jumping up and grabbing the case. “If you’re set on that kind of movie, we can do like, ‘Mean Girls’ or something.”

“I love ‘Mean Girls’!” Sophie grinned. Dan took the DVD case back to his room to exchange it.

Phil loved “Crossroads”, but they had lost the disc for it a few years back. Why didn’t Dan just tell them that?

 

Sophie and PJ left soon after the movie was over. Dan almost immediately disappeared back to his room, but Phil couldn’t get his mind off of what had happened earlier.

“Dan?”

“Hm?”

Dan glanced up from his laptop, closing the lid slightly. Phil furrowed his eyebrows, pointing at the laptop.

“You okay?”

Dan grinned. “Yup. Just getting something ready real quick. It’s a surprise.”

“For me?”

Dan shrugged, still grinning. “Maybe.”

Phil glanced at the shelf of DVDs. “Why haven’t we gotten rid of the ‘Crossroads’ case? I mean, we don’t even have the DVD anymore.”

Dan went back to his computer. “I’ll throw it out tomorrow,” he said nonchalantly.

“Well, I’m up, I can do it.”

“It’s fine, Phil.”

Phil grabbed the case from the shelf. “It’s no trouble,” he said, glancing back at Dan.

Dan was glaring at him.

“Why can’t you just leave it alone? Maybe I have something else in there.”

Phil paused. Slowly, he shook the case. It sounded empty.

“You don’t.”

Dan’s glare intensified. “Just drop it!”

Phil had a feeling he knew what was in the case, so he let it fall from his hand and stormed out of the room.

Phil wanted to know what Dan had written to him. So sue him.

 

Martyn came to town a week later. Phil took him to lunch, and Dan wasn’t invited, because Phil was still upset.

“So what did Dan do?”

“Lied.” Phil stabbed his salad with more force than necessary. Martyn cocked his head.

“About?”

Phil rolled his eyes. “Can we not talk about Dan right now?”

“He cheated on you?”

“I’m not dating him.”

“He tried to get you to be the side hoe?”

“I’m not laughing, Martyn.”

“Is it about that thing you mentioned that you said you wouldn’t tell him about?”

Phil sighed, slamming down his fork. Martyn pushed their dishes to the side and leaned forward.

“Spill. What did he do?”

“There was one addressed to me, and he isn’t going to let me read it. And I can’t tell his family about it. I’m not mad about that last part, but I want to know what he would have told me, especially if he barely knew me.”

Martyn nodded along. “Right.”

“But he won’t even fess up where it is! I think I found it, and he told me to my face to drop it and that he didn’t want me to look at it.”

“Maybe it’s really bad.”

“I don’t care! I want to know!” Phil insisted. “I feel like I hardly know him sometimes. I didn’t even know he had _considered_ it, much less that he thought _I_ was important enough to leave a suicide note to. I’d never even met him at that point. And yet he still claims I saved his life.”

“Maybe you did.”

“Well then, I’d like to know how. And what I saved him from.”

“He might have a really good reason,” Martyn said, grabbing his food again. Phil rolled his eyes.

“You always say that.”

“It’s good advice.”

“Well I didn’t ask for any,” Phil spat, standing up. “I’m going to the bathroom.”

 

Ironically enough, Adrian called later, after Phil got home.

“Phil? Hey, it’s me. Dan’s brother.”

“Right, hey, Adrian. What’s up?”

Dan was shut in his room again, so Phil felt safe talking in the living room.

“What did you do to Dan? He called me earlier and he--and he seemed really upset when I asked about you.”

“We’re just in a bit of a tiff about something stupid,” Phil said. Adrian hummed.

“Is it really that stupid?”

“Why? What did he say?”

“He sounded like he was crying and hung up when I wouldn’t let it go.”

Phil paused. Well.

“It’s something that’s sort of personal,” he said carefully.

“I’m his brother,” Adrian argued. “Shouldn’t I be part of his personal affairs?”

“Not this. It’s a bit more complicated than he’d like to involve you in.”

“Will he tell mum?”

“No,” Phil said immediately. “Listen, he just--I haven’t been great to him lately, so he’s probably hurt that I’m being rude. I’ll talk to him tonight and fix it.”

“Well what caused it?”

“I don’t feel comfortable discussing this with you, Adrian. If Dan hasn’t told you, then I don’t think he’s comfortable with you knowing, and I’m not going to break that trust.”

“Just give me a hint!” Adrian whined. Phil shook his head even though Adrian couldn’t see.

“I’m sorry Adrian. I can’t do that.”

“Phil, please. I’m worried about him.”

“I’ll keep an eye on him, but unless he comes to you with the topic I suggest you drop it.” He realized suddenly that he sounded just like Martyn, giving the same advice of “unless it’s offered, don’t ask”.

“If he starts getting sad will you let me know?”

Phil stopped. “What do you mean by sad?”

“Like, as in depressed. He likes to shut himself off when he gets like that so just...if he gets like that let me know.”

Phil sighed. “Only if Dan is alright with it. Adrian, I have to go, okay? We can talk later.”

“What are you two fighting about?”

“Goodbye, Adrian.”

Phil hung up, pretending that his eyes weren’t stinging. It was almost as if Adrian knew what his letter had said.

“Thanks.”

Phil jumped, spinning around. Dan was standing in the doorway, wearing a large sweatshirt and dark circles under his eyes.

“Uh--for what?”

“Not telling Adrian.”

“You told me not to tell your family,” Phil said after a moment.

“Didn’t you tell Martyn?”

Phil flushed. “Well, yeah, but Martyn is my family. Not yours.”

“Aren’t they one and the same?”

“No.”

Dan sighed, turning his head. “Well, anyway. Thanks.”

“He said you were crying earlier.”

“He wouldn’t let it go. He keeps thinking that I’m sad still.”

Phil almost asked if he was, then thought better of it.

“I’m sorry I’ve been a dick lately.”

Dan glanced back at Phil, eyes wide. “Why is it that you only cuss when this comes up?”

Phil shrugged. “It warrants it.”

“Not really.”

“I’m sorry I’ve been _awful_ lately,” Phil said instead. Dan didn’t acknowledge it, moving towards the couch. “Dan. Hey. I’m sorry.”

Dan mumbled something after he sat down next to him. Phil frowned.

“What?”

“Dear Phillip. That’s how I started it.”

“Dan. You don’t have to do this.”

Dan looked up at Phil. He looked so tired.

“I’ve been thinking about this for like, three days, Phil. You’re going to find out one way or another.”

“Well if you’re so convinced of that, I’d rather not hear it from your mouth. I’d rather get it from any other way.”

Dan stared at Phil. Phil stared back, pleading.

“Why?” Dan asked finally.

“Cause if I hear it from your mouth it will seem more real. I can imagine that the letter is being written by eighteen year old you. But not if I see it coming from you.”

Dan deflated. Phil cautiously reached for him, to do...something. Dan just sighed and stood up again.

“You can go ahead and get dinner if you want. I’m not super hungry.”

“Neither am I. We can just--watch a movie, or something.” It seemed awkward to say, and Phil couldn’t imagine what it was like for Dan to hear him say that. Dan’s face reflected his internal feelings of _what the fuck_.

“No,” Dan said, quite curtly. Then he walked out without another word. Phil just nodded to himself.

“Right. Yeah. That’s fine. Of course. I’ll just...yeah.” He sighed and flopped back into the couch, covering his face with his arms. He missed the way Dan lingered at the door for a few seconds before leaving for good.

 

<-Adrian: Dan?

->Adrian: yes?

<-Adrian: I talked to Phil earlier.

->Adrian: yes. i heard.

<-Adrian: And you don’t plan to change your mind and tell me what the hell is going on?

->Adrian: not today. and probably not anytime soon. sorry.

<-Adrian: Why?

<-Adrian: Dan?

<-Adrian: Dan, I’m sorry. I just want to know.

<-Adrian: You can’t ignore me forever.

->Adrian: yeah?

->Adrian: well i can damn well try.

 

The next morning--well, afternoon, really--Dan was back to his usual self. Phil woke up to Dan browsing on the sofa, laughing to himself at memes, offering to turn on the anime they were watching, asking about breakfast...Phil felt like he was in the Twilight Zone.

“Dan?”

“Hm?”

“Are you okay?”

“Fine,” Dan said, grinning at Phil as he grabbed some milk out of the fridge. “Why?”

“I figured--y’know, after last night, with that call from Adrian, and-”

“Phil.” Dan put the milk down and pulled Phil into a hug. “I don’t want to talk about my brother. I don’t want to talk to him about it, and I don’t want to keep bringing it up.” He pulled away, keeping his hands on Phil’s shoulders, even though Phil hadn’t hugged back. “Listen. I’m fine, and you’re fine, and it’s okay. We don’t need to keep rehashing it.”

“You didn’t sleep last night, did you,” Phil deadpanned. Dan’s smile became tight, but it didn’t go away.

“I had some thinking to do, okay?”

Phil opened his mouth, about to say something else, keep dragging it out, but--but what was the point? Dan was conceding to let it go. That’s what Phil had wanted, right? For the Dan of the past to be separate from the Dan of the present?

“So we were watching My Hero Academia?”

“We were,” Dan laughed. Phil grinned.

Things were good.

 

Things were not good.

Dan was fine and Phil was fine and everything was fine and they didn’t talk about it. Well, someone talked about it, but both Dan and Phil steadfastly ignored the messages that came in from Adrian every night. So they didn’t talk about it.

Dan also started to distance himself, but it was fine. Except for occasional accidental running-into-each-other that was bound to happen when you live with someone else, Dan stayed to himself more often than not. He was fine. And Phil, too, was fine. Lonely but fine. So everything was fine.

A month or two of ‘fine’ passed. And then things were ‘good, how about you, did you sleep well, okay well I’ll be editing today, see you in a few’, and it was fine. So yeah, everything was fine.

But things were not good.

 

“So how are things, Phil?”

“Fine,” Phil said to Chris dully. The word ‘fine’ had lost meaning, so even when he was catching up with old friends the luster of the word was gone.

“Aww, did people not like your last video?”

Phil had been distracted lately. It was hard for him to focus on making videos, so they’d mainly been tags or unoriginal ideas lately. Exclusively solo videos, too. It was a bit sad.

“No, people liked the video fine, Chris,” Phil sighed. “I mean--look, people didn’t _hate_ it, alright? I dunno.”

“But they didn’t like it.”

“I don’t know,” he said, staring back out the window. “But it’s whatever. It’s-”

“Yeah, it’s fine, I’ve heard. Are you just upset that Dan ditched you to go get lunch with Tyler?” Chris lost his joking tone then, pushing his water bottle out of the way and leaning forward.

Right. Tyler Oakley was in town, and Dan decided to take him to lunch and not invite Phil. He wasn’t bitter, though. Dan was allowed to have friends. It’s just that he and Tyler were _also_ friends, and they were going to his favorite restaurant, so it just kind of...sucked. His only in-town distraction ended up being Chris, which wasn’t _awful_. Except that he couldn’t stop thinking about whatever Dan was talking to Tyler about. It was probably about Phil.

Phil’s face soured. Chris just nodded.

“So what are you two fighting about?”

“Go away,” Phil said, glaring at Chris. Chris frowned.

“Okay, so you don’t want to talk. But something _is_ going on.”

“We are fine,” Phil said again, but his voice fell flat. He didn’t bother responding from then on out.

 

One day Phil came home, and the house was quiet, and something felt wrong.

“Dan?”

There was a noise from the direction of Dan’s room, but Phil couldn’t discern what it was. He put the groceries down and started heading towards Dan’s room. He wasn’t filming a video again, was he?

“Dan, I’m home!”

He entered the hallway and there was another noise from Dan’s room. Phil still couldn’t figure out what it was.

“Dan? It’s Phil, are you alright?”

Just as he was about to knock the door flew open and Dan shoved his way out, slamming the door behind him. Phil jumped back and hit the opposite wall out of surprise.

“Dan?!”

“Hi. Don’t go in there.”

Dan’s face was obviously nervous and he was keeping his door pulled shut, even though there was no way Phil could have opened it anyway.

“What,” Phil said after a moment. “What are you-?”

“Just--just don’t go in my room. I didn’t think you’d be home so soon.”

Phil just blinked. Dan smiled nervously.

“I can--I got groceries?” Phil said slowly. Dan nodded vigorously.

“Good! Great! Great, you should--what if you went to put those away with your headphones in and your music playing?”

“What are you doing?”

“Filming.”

“You just finished filming yesterday.”

“Yeah,” Dan said. “I need to film this too.”

“Did you not finish?”

Dan paused before giving a big nod. “Yup. Uh huh. That’s what it is. I need to refilm! The background noise was really bad, so I just-”

“So why is it so important that I don’t come in?”

“Phil, please, just like--go be somewhere else and don’t listen to this. It’s supposed to be a surprise.”

Phil blinked again but before he could process it Dan was pushing him back towards the kitchen. “A surprise? For who?”

“Just stay in here,” Dan said, handing Phil a bag of groceries frantically. “I’ll clean up but give me like 20 minutes and I’ll be golden, I just need some time so I’ll see you in a bit, hold on-”

“Dan?”

“Okay...stay in here I’ll be back soon bye!” Dan practically yelled on his way back to his room.

Phil stood in the middle of the kitchen for about five minutes before he fully processed what had happened and decided to put the groceries away. Dan was blasting music, possibly so Phil wouldn’t be able to hear what was going on as he ‘cleaned up’.

Dan emerged a little while later, pj’s already on, a nervous smile on his face. “Sorry about that.”

Phil just glanced up from his phone, shrugging. “What do you want for dinner?”

“Pizza?”

“Sure. I’ll order.”

They didn’t talk about it.

 

<-Dodie: Hey Phil! Can I bother you for some advice?

->Dodie: Yeah, of course! Go ahead.

<-Dodie: I’d like to start doing an endscreen similar to how you used to do yours (a different layout, obviously, but the same general idea) but I’m not quite sure how to do it with the borders and other videos playing and such.

->Dodie: Do you want me to meet you and show you on your computer? It’s a bit confusing to text out.

<-Dodie: I don’t want to put you out, but if that would work I won’t say no.

->Dodie: You’re in London, right? I can meet you at the Starbucks next to the Eye on Friday.

<-Dodie: Bless you

 

Dan woke Phil up pretty early on Friday. “Phil, hey, get up. I need to show you something.”

Phil’s alarm rang then, making them both jump.

“For fuck’s sake, it’s eight AM, why did you have an alarm set?”

“I’m meeting Dodie,” Phil said slowly, reaching to turn his alarm off, “in about an hour and a half and I didn’t want to be late.”

“Dodie?”

“Yeah.”

“Meeting her for what?”

“Coffee and advice.” Phil pushed the covers back, staring at Dan when he didn’t move to let Phil out from under the covers. “Dan, I have to get ready.”

“I need to show you something though.”

“Right now? Can it not wait?”

“Not really!”

Phil sighed. “Fine.”

“Stay here,” Dan said, jumping up. “I’ll get my laptop.”

“I’m going to change,” Phil called after him, but Dan was gone. He was back about a minute later, as Phil was putting his belt on. “Okay, so what is so important that you have to show me at eight AM?”

“I uploaded last night.”

“Okay?”

“And...and it kind of blew up. And I’m not sure how you’re going to take it.” Dan looked very nervous, not really even looking at Phil. “So I need you to watch it with me so I can explain it before you hear it from somewhere else.”

Phil stared at Dan for a few seconds, making Dan blush when he looked up.

“What?”

“Dan. I can watch your video later.”

“No, but I need to talk to you about it before someone else tells you about it.”

Phil’s phone buzzed then. As he went for it, Dan panicked and grabbed Phil’s arm.

“Phil, please, I don’t know if that’s about the video-”

“What exactly is so bad about this video, Dan?”

“I talk about you. And some kind of heavy stuff. And I want you to be with me when you see it because I don’t want to have to wait around for you to finally watch it and confront me about it later and-”

“Dan.” Phil grabbed Dan’s shoulders, shaking him a little. Dan swallowed.

“Phil?”

“I will watch your video with you after I go to meet Dodie. I will explicitly ask her not to tell me about it. I will turn off my phone so I don’t get any notifications about it. But I don’t want to watch it now.”

“You seem mad.”

“Well Dan,” Phil said, rolling his eyes and grabbing a shirt. “You apparently talk about me and ‘heavy topics’ in a video that you _did not consult me on_ when it obviously has a large impact on...something involving me.” Dan shrunk. “So yeah, I guess I’m a bit peeved.” After a second he signed and was about to turn back to Dan, ready to apologize and say he was joking, but-

“It’s about the letters.”

Phil froze. “What?”

“I...I read one of them. Aloud. To the camera. And explained a bit around it, and talked about why I didn’t need them. Which is you.”

“Whose letter?”

Dan was silent. Phil spun around, ignoring how his shirt was still unbuttoned.

“Dan. Whose letter?”

Dan kept looking down, avoiding eye contact.

“ _Dan_.”

Phil used his no-nonsense voice, which usually made people laugh, but Dan knew Phil only used it when he was mad.

“Yours.”

Phil took a deep breath. Then another. And another. And a few more. Dan eventually put his laptop down and moved towards Phil.

“Phil, I’m-”

“So let me get this straight,” Phil said loudly. “You wrote an extremely personal suicide note to me, didn't use it, kept it for--for _god_ knows how many years, and when I found out about it, denied me access to it. Then, after _continually_ refusing to let me even know where it _is_ , you _share_ it--with the _entirety_ of the internet-- _before_ you share it with me?”

“Phil, I'm sorry.”

“Sorry isn't going to cut it, Dan,” Phil spat. He angrily fumbled with his buttons, pulling away when Dan stepped a bit closer. “Just--don’t _touch_ me! Go away. I have to go meet Dodie. I cannot _believe_ you.”

“Phil-” Dan tried again. Phil _nearly_ slapped him across the face. Dan caught his hand, though he seemed scared.

“Leave me _alone_ , Dan!”

“Why are _you_ the one who is upset here?” Dan demanded. “I literally bared my soul to the entire goddamn world-”

“-with _something_ you, at one point, meant for _my eyes only_ ! Do you not remember? You told Adrian not to read it, not to let your mum and dad read it, it was for my eyes only, and then I don’t even get the courtesy of knowing what it says _before_ everyone else!”

Phil’s phone buzzed again with an incoming call. Ignoring Dan’s hand, which grabbed for him again, Phil went to pick it up.

“Hello?” he answered with a little more force than necessary.

“Oop--hi, sorry? Is it a bad time?”

It was Dodie. Phil sighed.

“Sorry, I just--hello, good morning, Dodie. Sorry I snapped.”

“Phil,” Dan said quietly. Phil shrugged him off with a glare.

“I was just wondering if you still wanted to meet this morning, what with everything that’s been circulating about you,” Dodie said softly. Her voice was pleasant. Phil quite enjoyed hearing it. “I mean, well, with you and Dan. I don’t know if-”

“I would love to still meet,” Phil said surely. “I don’t even know what the rumors are, so maybe you can fill me in.”

“ _Phil_!” Dan whispered desperately.

“Well, they aren’t exactly rumors, per se, but I can try, yeah,” Dodie said. Phil grinned at the phone.

“Thanks. So are we still on for 9:30?”

“Yeah, that sounds great. I’ll meet you at Starbucks.”

“You’re the best, Dodie. See you then.”

Phil hung up the phone with a sigh, shaking Dan’s hand off of him once again.

“So I’m gonna-”

“You’re going to watch it with _Dodie_?”

“Yes.” Phil finally turned to face Dan, who was flushed and looked...angry? Sad? Something. His eyes kept flitting between the phone and Phil’s shirt and Phil’s face. “Is that a problem?”

“ _Yes_ !” Dan spluttered, his hands coming up and shaking around Phil’s shoulders for a moment before he stepped away entirely. “I--I _should_ have let you read it, but I didn’t, but that doesn’t mean you should just--just _fuck off_ with some _girl_ and watch it with her instead.”

“Dodie is a nice person. It’d be better than watching it by myself,” Phil sighed, stuffing his phone in his back pocket and looking around for his wallet. He saw it on his dresser and went to get it, making sure he didn’t touch Dan on the way over. When he looked back, Dan was shaking and looked distraught.

“Dan?”

Dan scrubbed at his eyes and took a shaky breath. “I-”

“Dan, shit, are you okay?”

But Dan didn’t respond.

 

Dan had a stream of tears running from his eyes that didn’t stop no matter how many times he scrubbed them away.

The world felt tight. He thought he had been doing the right thing. That if he could just show the video to Phil and see how inspired everyone was then it would be great. But. But things had gotten out of hand. And Dan was most certainly not okay.

He kept wiping at his eyes. The world felt small. Phil’s voice sounded like it was coming from underwater.

“Dan? Are you alright?”

Phil touched his shoulder and Dan jerked away.

“No, just--just forget it,” Dan said, voice thick with tears. “Go watch it with Dodie. Whatever.” Then he grabbed his laptop, still open, and pushed his way out of Phil’s room without looking at Phil.

So. Yeah. It sucked. Sucked wasn’t even a strong enough word for it. Dan was fucking miserable. He locked the door to his room and ignored Phil’s pleas to just open up so he could apologize. So _Phil_ could apologize. Phil said repeatedly that it wasn’t Dan’s fault. So there was that.

The clock hit 8:45. Then 9:00. Then 9:15. Dan hadn’t moved from his spot on the floor in the far corner of the room, just stared as his phone lit up again and again and again and again and again and again and again and his laptop dimmed and then turned off. Finally, as Phil started in on making sure Dan was still alive again, Dan responded.

“You’re going to be late.”

His voice was crusty and dry and he sounded a lot worse off than he actually felt, which was surprising, because he wasn’t really feeling anything at the moment.

“Dan, come on. At least let me apologize before I go. I’ll watch the video with you.”

“Go watch it with Dodie. We can talk when you get back,” Dan called. Phil hit the door one last time, then slowly his shadow moved away from the door. Dan heard keys clinking, then a door shut, then another door shut, then the front door. He waited until the clock hit 9:20 before he moved, then saw another shadow outside the door.

“Dan, I’m sorry I got so upset. I just wish I had gotten some time to get used to it,” Phil said softly to the door, then mumbled something else that Dan didn’t hear. Dan swallowed.

“Please just leave,” Dan said loudly. He sounded angry. Good. Maybe Phil wouldn’t want anything to do with him if he was angry.

By the way Phil left pretty quickly after that, Dan’s suspicion was right.

 

Phil _hated_ fighting with Dan. He wasn’t even sure why he was so upset. Yes, the video obviously started up some rumors that he hadn’t been prepared to address (maybe--he wasn’t even sure what the rumors were). But that didn’t feel like the only reason.

 _Maybe_ , said a small voice in the back of Phil’s mind, _it’s because you know what you hope was in the letter, and your suspicions about Dan are never wrong._

 _And you understand where he’s coming from,_ said another voice. Phil imagined squashing that voice with a hammer.

Dodie was sitting in a window seat, making a face at her laptop. Phil saw her from the door, but she didn’t look up until he slid in the seat across from her.

“Phil! Hi!”

“Hey Dodie. Er-”

“So I’ve been keeping up with this whole drama on Twitter,” Dodie started. “You have three of the top trending hashtags. Well, two of them are specifically for you, and one is for you and Dan. Dan has another hashtag that’s making its way up, though.”

“Dodie, what did Dan say in the video?”

Dodie’s head snapped back a little. “You mean you really didn’t know about it?”

Phil shook his head. “Not a word.”

“Then--mmm, er...maybe I shouldn’t be the one to tell you.”

“I don’t really want to watch it, Dodie, everyone’s reaction is telling me that it’s bad.”

“It’s not _bad_ ,” Dodie said immediately. “It’s just a bit...er-”

“What are the hashtags?” Phil asked instead. Dodie nodded.

“Well, the general one is #whatwerednpin2009. A bit of a mouthful, if you ask me.”

“Right,” Phil nodded. Part of his suspicion was confirmed. “The others?”

“#dearphilliplester is another one.”

Phil tried not to wince. “Okay, and?”

Dodie bit her lip. “I don’t want to _say_ the last one.”

“Why not?”

“It’s a bit...er...personal?”

“Dodie, please.”

Dodie sighed. “It’s...it’s hashtag, Phil is a--oh, can I just _show_ it to you instead?”

Phil blinked. “Er...yeah, I guess.”

Dodie turned her laptop around. There, at the top of the trending hashtags.

#philisabitofacunt.

“What the hell,” Phil said softly, then repeated it, a bit louder. “What the hell?”

“I know,” Dodie whispered conspiratorially. “People can be so rude.”

“Why am I a cunt?” Phil asked. His mind had sort of shut down and he felt like he was on autopilot even as Dodie turned her laptop back towards her. The words floated in front of him.

#philisabitofacunt.

“Well, you never responded back to him, obviously, and after that kind of confession…” Dodie made a face, pulling in some air through her teeth. Phil started.

“What confession?”

Dodie stared at him for a minute or two, not saying a word. Phil just blinked in response.

“You have no idea,” she said finally, her voice lilting through the air. “Dan said he was in love with you.”

 

Dan had received about 40 texts since the video had been posted, but he only decided to check his phone when he heard the tell-tale buzz of Phil’s texts. He didn’t read the actual messages though--some from PJ, Louise, Jack, Dean, Sophie, Tyler--until he saw one from his mum.

 

<-Mum: Sweetheart, what is this about this video you posted last night?

<-Mum: Darling. Please. We’re worried. What was this letter in response to?

<-Mum: Dan, does Phil know about this? Adrian says he hasn’t responded, and neither have you. Are you fighting?

<-Mum: Daniel James Howell, I want an answer from you. NOW

->Mum: hi, sorry. i had my phone off so i wouldn’t have to deal with backlash.

<-Mum: Are you alright? You haven’t hurt yourself?

->Mum: the letters were really old. i’m completely fine now. and no, phil doesn’t know about them. or at least he didn’t know beforehand. he’s out with a friend currently.

<-Mum: He left you alone in this state?

->Mum: i’m not in a state. i’m fine. i felt like since so many of my subscribers have probably gone through a similar state i would share my survivor story. it’s been a really long time since i’ve been in a spot like that.

<-Mum: Are you 100% positive? Adrian seems to be worried out of his mind.

->Mum: i’ll text him. you tell him to stop worrying.

 

<-Adrian: DAN

<-Adrian: Dan are you okay

<-Adrian: I saw your video holy shit

<-Adrian: How did Phil take it

<-Adrian: Is this what you were hiding

<-Adrian: Like the letters

<-Adrian: Dan please

<-Adrian: Dan please answer me are you alright

<-Adrian: If I don’t hear from you in half an hour I’m sending an ambulance

<-Adrian: DAN PLEASE

<-Adrian: Where is Phil

<-Adrian: Why aren’t either of you answering me

<-Adrian: Dan

<-Adrian: Please quit ignoring me Dan I’m worried

<-Adrian: Dan are you still mad at me

<-Adrian: Dan?

<-Adrian: Hello????????

<-Adrian: I’m sending an ambulance are you dead

->Adrian: for fucks sake adrian calm down i told you i was fine

<-Adrian: DAN HOLY SHIT

<-Adrian: Where the hell have you been???

->Adrian: i had my phone turned off to avoid seeing any backlash.

<-Adrian: YOU CAN’T JUST POST THAT WITH NO EXPLANATION AND THEN DISAPPEAR

->Adrian: adrian, i’m sorry. i wanted to let people digest it.

<-Adrian: Please for the love of god don’t evre do that again

<-Adrian: Now where the fuck is Phil he isn’t responding either

->Adrian: he’s out with a friend

<-Adrian: ???????????????????????????????

<-Adrian: Why is he not with you discussing this????

<-Adrian: Or have you already talked about it????

->Adrian: we got mad at each other. it’s fine. he’ll be home soon.

<-Adrian: You have got to talk to him about this

<-Adrian: Holy shit did he even know about these?

->Adrian: not until this morning when i told him i uploaded. and i’m not even sure he knows what it’s about.

<-Adrian: ………….Dan

<-Adrian: Can I just say

<-Adrian: WHAT THE FUCK

 

_[caption: this is going to cover some heavy topics, guys, so a trigger warning for people with suicidal thoughts (and probably depression too)]_

_...hey, guys! So, er, this might be a bit different than my usual vids, which you’ll probably enjoy because, y’know, you_ **_like_ ** _seeing a...different side...of me…_

_I’m going to regret this, aren’t I. Yup, okay let’s do it before I change my mind!_

_So, as a lot of you probably know, I used to be...er...really_ **_sad_ ** _. A lot. I’m sure a lot of you have felt that way too! And it’s okay, you aren’t broken, you don’t need therapy or medication--I mean, unless that works for you, in which case, great! I’m proud of you! It doesn’t work for everyone, though, see._

_And me? Yeah, I never wanted to admit it, so I didn’t have any...help...at all._

_Yeah, it was about as fun as it sounds._

_Around that time I was like, fifteen or sixteen, maybe? And I started watching this lovely thing called..._ **_YouTube_ ** _. (AaaAAAaaah!)_

_There weren’t many people on it at the time, but I found this guy, right, and his name was AmazingPhil. And, listen guys, this guy did wonders for me. He was funny, he was attractive, he seemed semi-attainable...I spent a lot of time in my bed watching this guy with the door locked._

_...you know what, I’m not going to try and fix that because whatever you’re imagining is probably a lot worse than what it was._

_So I started commenting on this guys stuff, and he seemed cool and we seemed to have similar interests, and I’m like...yeah, okay, I can get on this. This guy seems pretty okay. So I tell some guys at school about this dude, and they’re immediately like “whoa, dude, what the fuck, we don’t mess around with that shit, mate, that’s a bit..._ **_gay_ ** _”._

_It wasn’t great for my self esteem to have everyone in real life tell me that this guy I liked pretending to talk to would never notice me no matter how much I tried. So part of it was that._

_I think another part of it was my chemical makeup. Yes, the social aspect had an effect, but I also was a bit unstable in the head. Y’know, chemical makeup and stuff, it--you can google that later. I’m here to talk about what_ **_I_ ** _did about it._

 _...which wasn’t..._ **_good_ ** _._

 _Now, okay listen, the_ **_only_ ** _reason I’m sharing this is because I’m pretty sure a lot of you have felt this too, so...this is because of you._

 _I decided that one night when I was eighteen I was going to take a bunch of pills, shove them down my throat, and lock the bathroom door where nobody could get me. But I didn’t want to just go out without a bang, oh no, I had to leave_ **_something_ ** _behind. I hadn’t started doing videos yet, so I decided to write...a_ **_letter_ ** _!_

_Three letters, actually, but you only get to hear one._

_One was to my mum and dad, who, obviously, I blamed_ **_much_ ** _more than I should have. They are great parents. I don’t know why I was so set on them being the cause, but there I was. Teenage angst, probably. So that letter is_ **_absolutely_ ** _no longer relevant and I’m...probably going to burn it because I’ll never need it._

 _The second one was to my brother, and I’m not going into that because I_ **_don’t_ ** _want my brother to be harassed again._

 _By this time, that YouTube dude had become a friend of mine, and we talked and skyped a lot, but we’d never met in person. Even so, I wrote my last letter to him, because he was my best friend. And_ **_that’s_ ** _the letter you get to hear. [caption: this is a bad idea isn’t it]_

 _I said this the other day, when I was explaining the story of these to someone, that just because someone was the reason why not, doesn’t mean they were part of the reason why. That applies here, okay, because Phil Lester is one hundred percent the reason_ **_why_ ** _I never had to use these letters, and one hundred percent_ **_not_ ** _part of the reason I wanted to end my time on earth._

_So. Anyway. I felt like I needed to share this letter with someone so when I inevitably ruin it somehow I’ll have a copy of it somewhere. Here goes._

_...I’m definitely going to regret this._

_Dear Phillip Lester,_

_Please please please please please please please please pl--Jesus Christ, how many ‘please’s did I use? One, two three...like,_ ** _twelve_** **_pleases_** _! Oh my god. [laughter]_

_Please blah blah blah don’t blame yourself for this. If there were any reason to stick around, it would be you._

_God, this is so cheesy. The only reason I’m finishing this, okay, is because I am committed to finishing what I started. Hm. Well. Not the whole--pills--okay, you get what I’m saying! Moving on!_

_I know you hardly know me, but it feels like I’ve known you my entire life. I don’t really have a best friend, and that’s what you are to me. Which is why this is so hard to write. I’m sure by now you know what I’ve done. But I still won’t spell it out. It doesn’t need to be immortalized like that--_

_Okay, listen, [laughter] I had planned for someone to give this to Phil at what I thought was going to be my funeral, okay, let me be dramatic for once!_

_It doesn’t need to be immortalized like that, in a letter that I hope you’ll keep for a while. Maybe you’ll burn it. I dunno._

_Oh great, here I come with my self esteem issues again. Man up, Dan, come_ **_on_ ** _, man!_

_I just want you to know--_

_Oh, for_ **_fuck’s_ ** _sake! [laughter] I can’t leave that in._

_I just want you to know [caption: edited for private topics] blah blah blah, and you’re incredible. Even if I don’t mean much to you, you mean everything to me, and I want you to know how many countless other people you’ve saved along the way. Never lose your spark. If you’ll excuse me, I need to see a man about a prescription, but maybe I’ll see you one day when you’re old and gray. Or maybe you need a guardian angel, and I’ll stick around for that. Whatever the case may be, until I see you again...Best wishes, Dan, xx._

**_Best wishes_ ** _! [laughter] Who ends a suicide note with best wishes!_ **_This_ ** _idiot, apparently, that’s who._

 _Alright, okay listen to me now, the point of this video is--like, yes, I’ve always been a stalker and it just so happened to work out for me, but it was mainly to show that if you’re considering it, y’know...killing yourself...good things are always just around the corner, okay, cause the night before I planned to do it, Phil asked if we could meet in person. For whatever reason, I didn’t get the pharmaceuticals in the day I had_ **_hoped_ ** _for, so I had to put it off a few more days, then...my idol asked to meet me in person. [sparkle effect] And that was...I mean, for fuck’s sake, that’s_ **_still_ ** _incredible. I was basically a stalker at that point, and he decided he wanted to meet me anyway._

 _Anyway. That’s what I wanted to talk about. Like, as dramatic as this letter seemed, and as much as the future may suck in your individual life, I am a living reminder that_ **_it does get better_ ** _. So just hold on to that thought. If you ever need inspiration or anything close to it, I may not be the best choice, but still feel free to count on me._

_[caption: daniel howell]_

_So if for whatever reason you want to see more of my failures, you can click here to subscribe to my channel…_

 

Phil didn’t even realize he’d been crying while watching the video until Dodie handed him a napkin silently. He used it to blow his nose and wipe away his tears, slowly pulling his earphones out.

“Bit heavy, innit?”

“He didn’t say he loved me,” Phil just sighed, sniffling.

“No, but he did imply it,” Dodie said, biting her lip warily. “I mean-”

“Yeah, I _know_ he implied it, but I was afraid he had actually said it in the video. Cause--cause he hadn’t told me anything, so it’d be a bit awkward if the world knew and not me. Y’know?”

Dodie nodded. Phil took a deep breath.

“Okay. I can work with this.”

 

->Dan: So the video wasn’t as bad as I thought.

->Dan: Reactions are worse, but then, what can we expect, you know?

 

Phil realized after a moment that he had over 100 text messages from all of his friends--some checking in, some just asking questions, and some simply saying “what the fuck”. As if it was his fault. But he kept getting messages from Adrian, which was...unusual?

 

<-Adrian: Phil hey I just have a quesiton

<-Adrian: Are you ignoring me

<-Adrian: Have you seen Dan’s video

<-Adrian: Why aren’t you answering

<-Adrian: Is Dan okay

<-Adrian: I get why you didn’t want to talk about it now

<-Adrian: I know that it must have been hard

<-Adrian: For god’s sake please just respond I’m terrified Dan isn’t responding

<-Adrian: Hey where are you are you with Dan by chance

<-Adrian: Why is your phone off

<-Adrian: Phil please I’m so worried about him

<-Adrian: Why aren’t either of you answering me

<-Adrian: Phil???

<-Adrian: Please respond is Dan okay

<-Adrian: Did you do something to make him upset

<-Adrian: Are you two fucking

<-Adrian: Why are you both ignoring me

<-Adrian: For the love of god just respond

<-Adrian: Phil please for god’s sake

<-Adrian: I’m so worried

<-Adrian: I knew something was wrong with Dan

<-Adrian: Why didn’t you stop this

<-Adrian: Did he not tell you about this???

<-Adrian: Are you guys fighting????

<-Adrian: Please answer me what the fuck

<-Adrian: Jesus christ Phil

<-Adrian: Okay Dan responded where the fuck are you

<-Adrian: Phil

<-Adrian: Where are you Phil

<-Adrian: Why aren’t you answering me

<-Adrian: Phil

<-Adrian: Phil

<-Adrian: Phil

<-Adrian: Phil

<-Adrian: What kind of friend are you out with that requires you to be away from Dan when he’s in a state like this

->Adrian: He isn’t in a state!!

<-Adrian: FINALLY FOR FUCK’S SAKE WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN

->Adrian: Look, Dan and I fought this morning, but I’m about to head back and apologize again.

<-Adrian: Tell me you’ve seen the video

->Adrian: I have.

<-Adrian: Promise me you aren’t lying

->Adrian: I’m not.

<-Adrian: Tell me what the letter to me said

->Adrian: That’s still up to Dan whether or not you should know.

<-Adrian: God damn it that usually works

<-Adrian: Okay please hurry back I’m worried

->Adrian: Why? Is he saying something? Does he seem not okay?

<-Adrian: After revealing something like that I’m just scared for him. He says he’s fine but I’m not convinced

->Adrian: Is he texting you?

<-Adrian: Sparsely, yeah

<-Adrian: Why?

->Adrian: If he stops responding then maybe get a bit worried. But I’m sure he’s just fine.

 

->Martyn: Will you go check on Dan for me

<-Martyn: Why? Is this about that video?

->Martyn: Dan isn’t texting me but he’s texting Adrian and Adrian is worried which is making me worried so just go stop by you’re our manager you’re allowed to do that without being weird

<-Martyn: Phil, I’m out of the country

<-Martyn: I can’t go check on Dan

->Martyn: Okay fine

 

->Dan: Dan, are you okay? Adrian is completely flipping out.

<-Dan: i told him to stop worrying.

->Dan: That’s what I was afraid of. Nobody is going to stop worrying about you.

<-Dan: you don’t seem worried.

->Dan: Because I recognize the difference between past and present you. I watched you grow into that. Not everyone did. That’s a good thing for various reasons, but some people might not understand that you’re past being depressed.

<-Dan: lol who said i was past it

->Dan: Are you?

<-Dan: sometimes

->Dan: How about next time you feel depressed you tell me about it and it’ll be our little secret? For the fans sake I think pretending that you’re over it would help calm them down.

<-Dan: that’s true

<-Dan: so it’s not a forever lie? just a right now lie?

->Dan: Not a forever lie.

<-Dan: i’ll tweet about it.

->Dan: Wait till I get there?

<-Dan: i’m surprised you still want to see me.

->Dan: Dan, you’re my best friend.

->Dan: And I feel as though we need to talk about some of the stuff you omitted from the video.

->Dan: Of course I want to see you.

<-Dan: hurry home soon. <3

 

Phil hadn’t seen a heart like that from Dan in...in _years_ , really.

“Dodie, can we take a rain check on this?” Phil said apologetically, looking back up at the girl across from him. She furrowed her brows.

“I’m honestly a bit surprised you didn’t just leave. I don’t mind taking a rain check at all.”

“I’ll make it up to you,” Phil swore as he stood up and began to race out. Dodie just waved her hand.

“Make sure Dan is okay. That would be enough.”

 

@danielhowell: i see that a lot of you are worried about my last video. i swear to you now that i am fine and no longer sad. thank you for the concern <3

@amazingphil: @danielhowell can confirm, as he is spilling tea on himself as we speak

@danielhowell: @amazingphil leave me alone dickwad no wait i’m sorry come back bring me a paper towel please

@tyleroakley: @danielhowell @amazingphil get a room

@danielhowell: @tyleroakley @amazingphil done, now what

@amazingphil: @danielhowell @tyleroakley please don’t answer that

 

“Dan,” Phil said, glaring from his side of the couch. He hadn’t even been home for twenty minutes when he saw Dan’s tweet, and then he pulled this? They hadn’t even talked about it.

Dan looked up, eyes wide and red.

“I’m just trying to make light of the situation,” he said softly.

Phil sighed. “We haven’t even decided how to handle it though.” _And I don’t know how to talk about it with you yet._

The video kept replaying in Phil’s mind. Watching Dan read the letter, laugh at it, blow it off, pretend it was fine, nothing was wrong, he _hadn’t_ wanted to-

“Handle what?”

It sounded like a challenge Phil didn’t want to take, so he kept his mouth shut.

“I do need a paper towel,” Dan said after a few minutes. Phil sighed again. He’d sighed a lot today.

“I’ll go get one.”

“Thanks, love.”

Phil froze, then continued on as if he hadn’t heard.

 

Dan knew Phil had heard. Dan knew Phil had frozen. Dan knew Phil was uncomfortable with the situation.

But they had to talk sometime, and Dan wanted to make sure that would be sooner rather than later.

 

The next morning, Phil knocked on Dan’s door with a little too much force. He had made himself wait until 9:00 to go bother Dan, but he had been awake since 5:30 and it was hard for him to focus on anything when he knew Dan was hiding something.

The door opened slowly. Dan’s eyes were really, really red and raw, and Phil saw that dozens of tissues covered the bedspread, though it didn’t look slept in.

“Phil?”

He was going to be diplomatic and careful about it.

“I want to see the bit of the letter that said you loved me.”

Or, y’know...not.

Dan’s head jerked back. “What?”

“You heard me,” Phil said, more timidly this time. “The bit of the letter that you couldn’t put in the video. I want to see it.”

Dan just stood in the doorway for a few seconds before nodding and stepping aside, inviting Phil in. Phil came in cautiously, hyper-aware of how close Dan was at all times and the hiccups in his breaths and the way his skin probably felt underneath the Yeezy sweatshirt he wore-

Okay. So Phil’s dreams had been a bit... _vivid_ , and maybe sexual, and that’s why he couldn’t sleep. So sue him.

Dan suddenly was in front of him, holding out two pieces of worn paper. Phil nodded and took them, faking confidence. They stood there for a moment, staring at the papers, before Dan looked up.

“Are you going to read it out loud?”

“Yes,” Phil decided without thinking. “Er--I mean--yeah. You know what, yeah, I am.”

“Humiliation. A great tactic,” Dan mumbled. “Alright then, go on, if you must.”

“I just want you to know that I think about your dick a lot-” Phil read loudly before he processed what the words said. That’s not what the words on the page said. Those were words Phil was thinking. Not words Dan had written.

Dan’s eyebrows raised. “Oh really?”

“I mean...er…” Phil stumbled. “I just want you to know that--that I had dreams about you fucking me?”

Those weren’t on the page either. Phil was confessing to Dan. Dan was amused and happy, judging by the way he was shifting his hips around.

“I--I just want you to know that--that I want to belong…” Phil trailed off. The words were simple.

 _I just want you to know that I love you and you’re wonderful._ Why couldn’t he say that out loud?

“Phil,” Dan teased. “Are you trying to get me to have sex with you?”

 _No_ , Phil said. “Yes,” Phil said.

“Done,” Dan grinned, and suddenly he was kissing Phil, and the pages tumbled to the ground, burning as they fell, but Phil didn’t mind. Not when Dan was pulling his hair and kissing his neck and smiling like that and laughing like a maniac and pulling him towards the bed…

 

Phil was wide, wide awake, and it was noon, and his dream had bothered him, and Dan was probably awake, and Phil had missed his chance to be in charge of how the day went.

 

Dan heard Phil get up around 12:30, so he made sure to add the second sandwich to the grill so they could revel in the wonderfulness of grilled cheese together. In addition to the domestic cooking, he was wearing the apron someone had gotten for them as a joke: “Kiss the Cook”. Maybe Phil would take the hint, finally.

Today was an experiment. If Phil didn’t jerk away every time Dan sat a bit too close and said something a bit too romantic, then he could tell Phil what the letter really said. Any sign of hesitation and he would put it off until Phil was comfortable with him.

As he flipped the toasties over, he felt arms encircling him from behind. He leaned into the embrace, turning his head so he could kiss Phil’s cheek when he felt Phil’s head on his shoulder.

“Morning,” Dan said. Things were going swimmingly.

“Morning,” said a voice that definitely wasn’t Phil’s.

 

Dan woke up screaming around 12:45 pm, making Phil rush into his room immediately, as if he had been waiting outside.

“Dan?”

The nightmare hadn’t resurfaced in _years_. He should’ve--he should have--he should have _known_ something was off when he was standing in the Manchester flat kitchen. The last time he’d _had_ that dream was in Manchester, and he had sworn to never look at Phil that way again after that. This _goddamn_ _letter_ was bringing back everything. He reverted to a kid the _moment_ Phil had picked up that shoebox. Every feeling had come rushing back:

_Relief._

_Terror._

_Love._

_Fear._

_Disgust._

_Pain._

_Home._

“Dan, are you okay?”

Phil was next to him. Phil was alive. Phil was holding him closely, kissing his temple, rubbing his back. It wasn’t-

“Phil,” Dan just whispered, turning until he was curled up in Phil’s lap. Phil held him closely, not even saying a word and doing more than he’d ever done before.

“Dan, bear, what happened?”

Dan jerked away, wiping at his eyes to be able to see if Phil was joking.

“ _Bear_?”

“I’m sorry,” Phil said quietly, face confused. “I thought-”

“Please don’t call me that,” Dan pleaded, voice breaking. He almost pulled away completely, but Phil was just too good to reject. “Not--not now.”

Phil just nodded. “I’m sorry, Dan.”

Dan reluctantly curled back into Phil’s lap and just let himself cry, not responding when Phil begged to know what was wrong.

 

->Adrian: the nightmare came back.

<-Adrian: You’re kidding??

->Adrian: i wish.

<-Adrian: Do you want me to come up and stay with you?

->Adrian: no. thanks though. i think phil is doing pretty well with it so far.

<-Adrian: Does he know about it?

->Adrian: no. and i don’t plan on telling him. so we don’t have to worry about that.

<-Adrian: Dan are you sure you’re okay? I can come up if you need me

->Adrian: i swear. i just wanted to let you know that it was back. you told me to tell you so i did.

<-Adrian: I appreciate it

<-Adrian: Feel better xx

 

Phil made lunch, making sure to keep an eye on Dan as he cooked. Dan had been silent since his meltdown that morning, and Phil was ninety percent sure he was the cause of the worst of it.

He hadn’t called Dan ‘bear’ in many years. Why did he think it was a good idea? Obviously this whole situation had brought up a bunch of old feelings, and old nicknames weren’t helping separate the two times. Still, though. Phil felt the urge in his bones to kiss Dan’s nose, and invite him to share the bed, and serve his every whim.

 _Dangerous_ , one half of his mind warned him.

 _Look at his hair!!! He’s so adorable when it’s curled_ , argued the other half.

 _You’re burning the food_ , said a tiny part of his mind that wasn’t focused on Dan 24/7. That part was small, but he was glad it was there.

Phil jumped, pulling the pan off the heat and grabbing a spatula.

“ _Shit_.”

“Did you burn the food?” Dan called quietly. Phil looked up sheepishly. Dan was smiling fondly.

“Maybe.”

“We can always get takeout.”

“It’s two pm!”

“So?”

“We aren’t getting takeout at two pm,” Phil said, using the spatula to check the meat. He had attempted to make fajitas, and they weren’t totally burned, just a bit...charred. “And anyway, this is still edible.”

“Is anything you make edible?” Dan asked, getting up from the couch and moving towards the breakfast bar.

“Yes!”

Dan made a face.

“It _is_ edible,” Phil insisted, pouring the meat and juices and peppers onto a plate. “Grab the tortillas.”

“I’m an invalid,” Dan pouted. “Will you _please_ get them for me?”

Phil looked at him for a few seconds before he shook his head and dropped the pan in the sink.

“Fine, you whiny baby.”

He had felt the heart eyes returning. They hadn’t had the urge to return in years. Phil was sure he had looked sick, but silently thanked Dan for not saying anything. It was embarrassing enough as it was.

“Phil?”

“Yeah?”

Dan was silent for a moment. Phil turned around as he put the tortillas on the counter.

Dan looked a bit embarrassed. He ducked his head and rubbed his face and shrugged and Phil was so-

**_Nope._ **

“Thanks,” Dan said quietly. Phil just nodded.

“Yeah, of course. Now come get your food.”

 

**2009: September**

Dan was young and nervous and more talkative than usual, but also much quieter, somehow. They were already several hours into their weekly skype call. Phil hoped Dan could feel his heart eyes radiating through the screen.

“...never really seen it before,” Dan was admitting. “I may never see it.” Phil scoffed.

“Really?”

“Really really.”

He was southern and posh and just a baby and Phil was so in love with him.

“Come visit me. We can watch it together.”

Dan froze. Phil wasn't sure if that was really Dan or just Skype messing up again.

“Dan?”

“Visit you?” Dan squeaked, then coughed and tried again. “I mean, yeah, alright, visiting you would be cool. Sure.”

“Do you want to come next month?”

Phil was going for too much. He just wanted to be able to hug Dan and maybe kiss him a bit and remind him in person how great he was. Phil was long gone. Dan was the last thing he ever wanted to see.

Then he could take the cleaver to his arms and not feel the least bit guilty.

“I could do next month, I'm pretty sure.”

Dan was so pretty. Phil wanted to kiss him forever and ever. Maybe Dan could be the reason he stuck around a bit longer. To see 25 at most, and make the quarter way to death joke, except maybe he could finally be at death instead, and play the funniest joke on the world. As long as he had Dan around, it didn't matter. He wouldn't mind living to a million if Dan was there.

“Great,” Phil grinned. Dan was grinning. Dan was so beautiful. Phil was so, so, so in love.

“Yeah.” Dan laughed. “I’ve never--I mean--I’m excited.”

“Me too!” Phil laughed. He would get to see Dan, in person, at least once. “At this point, I mean, you could probably just bring everything with you and move in and no one would think a thing of it.”

“You’re probably right.” Dan’s smile had dropped a little.

“Or--I mean--y’know, not,” Phil backtracked. “I was joking.”

“No!” Dan said suddenly. The camera shifted violently as Dan moved his laptop around to get a better view.

“No?”

“I would be--I’d be honored,” Dan said. With the better lighting, Phil could see that he was nearly crying.

“Did I say something wrong?” Phil asked, bringing the laptop closer, as if that would lessen the distance between them. As if he could reach through the screen to wipe his tears away.

“No, it’s not you, I’m just an idiot,” Dan said, wiping at his eyes. “I just--god, you’re the best. I’d love to move in with you one day.”

“Me too,” Phil said softly. “We could definitely move in together one day. We’ll go to London or something. It’ll be ace.”

Dan snorted. “Ace.”

Phil blushed. Dan grinned. Phil was in love. Dan was happy. Life was good.

Phil was going to get to see Dan before he died.

 

**Now**

Dan and Phil were watching some mindless show on TV, but neither of them were actually watching. Dan was watching Phil, and Phil was having an evil internal monologue.

_#philisabitofacunt._

Phil jolted a bit. Dan frowned.

_Bear._

Phil shifted in his seat uncomfortably. Dan furrowed his eyebrows.

_Dear Phillip Lester._

Phil looked towards the door as if he was going to leave. Dan scooted a bit closer, silently asking him to stay.

 _Phil is one hundred percent the reason_ **_why_ ** _I never had to use these letters, and one hundred percent_ **_not_ ** _part of the reason I wanted to end my time on earth._

Phil winced. And then Dan touched his arm and he winced again.

“Phil?”

“I’m gonna,” Phil said suddenly, standing up and taking a deep breath. “I need to. I’m gonna get some water.”

“Phil?” Dan repeated. Phil just bolted out of the room towards the bathroom, leaving Dan alone and confused on the sofa. “Phil!”

It didn’t take much thought before Dan followed him.

 

Phil was leaning over the sink, paler than usual. Dan stood in the doorway hesitantly.

“Phil, do you want me to get you a glass?”

Phil nodded, then shook his head, then closed his eyes and forced himself to stand back up.

“People hate me.”

“No,” Dan said immediately.

“Hashtag Phil is a _bit_ of a cunt, but not an _entire_ cunt,” Phil mumbled. Dan frowned.

“What are you talking about?”

“It’s been trending on Twitter for about, eh, two _days_ ,” Phil said.

“In what _context_?”

Dan was angry that _anyone_ could be mad at Phil in this situation, especially since he _hadn’t done anything wrong_ . He had done the only _good_ thing, frankly, but everyone refused to acknowledge it.

Phil just sighed, using some water to splash his face. “I just…”

“Why are people calling you a cunt?” Dan asked, more softly this time, moving towards Phil carefully.

Phil shook his head.

“Phil, come on, you can tell me.”

Phil shook his head again.

“Do I need to do some damage control?”

Phil shook his head again, turning back to Dan with tears in his eyes. Dan clenched his fists, then unclenched them and hesitantly reached to hug Phil. Phil nearly jumped into his arms, and Dan held him closer than ever before.

“What did the letter say?” Phil asked after a few minutes of their silent hug.

“What do you mean?”

Phil pulled back, wiping at his eyes. “What did it say? The part you took out from the video, what did it say?”

Dan blushed a little, but didn’t hesitate this time.

“I just want you to know that I adore you with all my heart, and you’re wonderful.”

Phil took a deep breath, closing his eyes. Dan swallowed nervously.

“You left it out of the video because…?” Phil asked.

“People might think I’m in love with you,” Dan sort of scoffed. “Or that I _was_ in love with you. And I didn’t want to imply that without talking to you first.”

Phil nodded. “Okay.”

Dan stared at Phil and Phil stared at Dan.

“I’m not,” Dan said after a moment. He didn’t know what compelled him to do it.

Phil just nodded again. Dan backed away slowly, shrugging.

“Okay, well. I’m gonna-”

“Yeah, you should go,” Phil said quietly. Dan left without another word.

 

_I’m not._

Phil swallowed back the vile taste in his mouth. Of course Dan wasn’t in love with him. Phil would never be that lucky.

_I’m not._

Unless he meant something else by that? Was he going to follow it with “sure if we should tell everyone that I’m into you yet”?

_I’m not._

No. Of course not.

_I’m not._

Phil locked himself in his room the rest of the day.

 

The next morning, Dan decided to check Twitter. Everything had fallen to ruins in his and Phil’s absence.

 

@Its_Serena_Boii: DANS NEW VIDEO AHHHHH

@flowersnfringes: @Its_Serena_Boii I DIDN’T SEE TAHT COMING AT ALL

@flowersnfringes: @Its_Serena_Boii taht good job anna

@Its_Serena_Boii: @flowersnfringes where is Phil tho

@flowersnfringes: @Its_Serena_Boii he’s probably hiding somewhere

@Its_Serena_Boii: @flowersnfringes okay but

@flowersnfringes: @Its_Serena_Boii i’m upset that phil left dan hanging like that though like why did he not proclaim his love back

@Its_Serena_Boii: @flowersnfringes I GET THE HASHTAG NOW #philisabitofacunt HE DIDN’T RESPOND HES A CUNT

 

@DansireeH: What happened with Phil?

@DansireeH: @DansireeH oh this has to do with Dan’s new video? I don’t understand?

@darlingdanieljh: @DansireeH it’s cause phil never wrote a letter back to dan so people are pissed cause dan basically proclaimed his love & phil blanked him

@DansireeH: @darlingdanieljh oh, well that isn’t a very nice hashtag at all if it’s just for that.

@darlingdanieljh: @DansireeH oh yeah, people blow things way out of proportion. Like just bc they ship phan doesn’t mean it HAS to be real

 

@strawberriespml: DAN’S NEW VIDEO GUYS

@strawberriespml: DAN WAS SO IN LOVE WITH PHIL

@strawberriespml: AND PHIL DIDN’T EVEN FUCKING RESPOND?????????

@strawberriespml: i’m unstanning i have to change my user

@darlingdanieljh: @strawberriespml noooo this one is so cute!!

@strawberriespml: @darlingdanieljh thank you!! I’m so upset at Phil though why did he do that to dan

 

@softboidaniel: honestly phil really is a bit of a cunt if dan poured out his heart and phil ignored him. not cool phil, not cool

 

@melanie12dawson: what if :) phil didn’t :) reply :) to dan :) because :) THEY AREN’T :) IN LOVE :) OR TOGETHER :)

@melanie12dawson: phan is not real guys please get over yourselves dan was just a kid

@melanie12dawson: RT @darlingdanieljh: guys just because dan wrote this letter doesn’t mean that they were together please calm down

 

Dan stopped reading at that. Nobody was focusing on the real issue he tried to talk about. It was all just “Dan and Phil are together” or “Dan and Phil are not together” or “Dan and Phil are none of your business” and not “Dan used to be suicidal but now he’s not because things do get better”.

Used to be. Yeah.

It was about 10:30 and Dan couldn’t stay in bed any longer, but he was too tired to do anything else, so he settled for making toast. As he waited for it to pop up, he got lost in thought, and then suddenly the toast was burnt, and then Dan was on the floor crying to himself, and then his mind caught up with what had happened.

 

->Phil: i know you probably don’t want anything to do with me right now but you told me to tell you when i was depressed again so here i am.

<-Phil: Why do you think I’d want nothing to do with you? I’m in my room, come here

->Phil: you seemed upset in the bathroom.

<-Phil: Come to my room

->Phil: i just thought i’d let you know. full trust and all that shit.

<-Phil: Dan come to my room

->Phil: i’m making breakfast so maybe in a bit

<-Phil: Turn off the stove and get in here

 

Dan laughed a little to himself. Of course Phil would keep insisting. That was the one constant in his life.

 _Phil_ was the one constant in his life.

 

->Phil: i’m not using the stove doofus can’t you smell the burnt toast

<-Phil: Why did you burn the toast??? Throw it away and get in here!!!!

->Phil: well i didn’t burn it on purpose, at one point i was planning to eat it

<-Phil: Please stop avoiding the question and get in here

->Phil: do you want me to make you some non burnt breakfast to bring in there

<-Phil: Idk will that help you not be depressed for the moment?

 

Dan sighed. Phil’s stubbornness was both a blessing and a curse.

 

->Phil: fine you whiny baby

 

Dan hadn’t even knocked before Phil was telling him to open the door. Phil was in the process of shoving several stacks of clothes into his closet.

“You cleaned,” Dan said, looking around. Phil grinned.

“Oh, yeah. Just felt a bit messy.”

Dan nodded. Phil stood up and brushed his hands against his jeans.

“Okay, so. You said you were feeling-”

“Sad, yeah,” Dan said quickly, rubbing his neck. He felt smaller than usual, which was something he hadn’t thought for a very long time. Since he first met Phil, really.

Phil nodded. “Right, okay. So do you wanna…”

“I just thought I should let you know,” Dan said defensively. “I didn’t expect to actually talk about it.”

Phil raised his hands in defense. “Sorry.”

Dan looked at Phil and sighed, dropping his hand and a bit of the facade. “No, I’m sorry, I just...this whole... _letter_ thing, it’s brought up a bunch of shit I had repressed.”

Suddenly Phil was in front of Dan. “Do you want to sit down and talk about it? Or something else until it’s repressed again?”

Dan chuckled wetly. He hadn’t even realized that he was crying.

“Is there any way we can just…” He didn’t want to finish the sentence.

“What? We probably can,” Phil said softly. Dan wanted to scream at him.

_Quit quirking your eyebrows and smiling like that and brushing my arm and being so nice to me, you’re making this 100 times harder than it needs to be!_

“Do you remember when you first moved to Manchester, and I got to spend the night at your place for the first time?” Dan said instead. “We just like...sat on your bed, and then we got under the covers, and we just sat there holding each other until we fell asleep?”

Phil nodded. The look on his face was unreadable.

“I just...kind of want to be held. That’s all,” Dan finished lamely.

Phil grinned. “Well, come on then. I’ll pull up Netflix on my laptop.”

Somehow, it wasn’t awkward for Dan to shuffle himself under the bright blue and green covers of Phil’s bed. But it was a bit uncomfortable. Phil must have noticed him grimacing.

“You alright?”

“Jeans,” Dan mumbled. “I shouldn’t have changed out of my pjs. I just thought it would make me feel better.”

“Feel free to take them off,” Phil said nonchalantly, looking back at his laptop. “It’s nothing I haven’t accidentally seen before.”

Dan just stared at him for a moment. Phil looked back up, confused.

“What?”

“You never cease to surprise me, Phillip Lester,” Dan said quietly, shaking his head. He rolled out of the bed then and pulled off his jeans, glad that he had the decency to put on pants this morning.

“Dan?”

“Yeah?”

Dan turned back as Phil was climbing under the covers. Phil looked back up, and he had his glasses on, and suddenly Dan felt eighteen again.

“Will you grab the lights?”

Dan was glad he wore loose pants.

 

Phil had pulled up whatever anime they were still technically on and as soon as Dan hit the lights he hit play. But as soon as the lights went down, it felt like time had jumped back several years.

Dan slipped under the covers and straight under Phil’s outstretched arm. His head curled up against Phil’s neck, and his breath was warm, and Phil had to physically remind himself to start breathing again.

Several minutes into the episode, Dan looked up at Phil carefully. Phil looked down and smiled.

“What?”

Dan bit his lip, obviously debating whether he should say what he was thinking about. Finally-

“Thank you.”

Phil furrowed his brows. “Huh?”

“For, y’know. This whole thing. You’ve been my best friend forever. So thank you.” Dan nodded softly and turned back to the screen, assuming the conversation was over. It wasn’t.

“Hey Dan?”

“Hm?”

“Can you…”

“What?” Dan looked back up. Phil was glad the lights were off so Dan couldn’t see his blush.

“I just...I’m not sure if you want to answer this.”

“Answer what?”

Dan’s voice was so small. Phil didn’t want to ruin his spirit, and yet…

“Can you explain, like, why you didn’t need the letters? What my role in that was?”

Dan was silent for a few minutes. Mentally, Phil was kicking himself. He had definitely struck a bad chord with Dan. Honestly, he was surprised that Dan was still here, unless he was asleep or something.

Slowly, Phil rested his chin on Dan’s head. Dan shifted even closer, and Phil sent a silent apology to him.

“You made me realise,” Dan said softly and deliberately. Phil managed not to jolt at the surprise of his voice. “That life didn’t suck as much as I thought it did. Because if someone like me could win someone like you over, maybe there is a future that involves me and isn’t awful.”

Phil nodded gently. Dan sat up a little then, keeping his hand on Phil’s chest.

“Does that help?”

Phil looked up at Dan and nodded, giving a half smile. “Yeah, it does.”

“You’re sure?”

Dan looked so serious and Phil wanted to kiss him.

**_Wait._ **

“Yeah, I’m sure. Now come back down here,” Phil said lightly. Dan smiled and it seemed to brighten the room, but he didn’t lie back down. “Dan, come on.”

“You keep looking at me like that.”

“Like what?”

“Like you’re in love with me or something,” Dan said quietly. Phil swallowed down his internal panic.

“I’m just glad you’re my best friend,” Phil said carefully. Dan laughed a little.

“Me too,” Dan said quietly. After a few more moments of staring at Phil, he cuddled back into Phil’s side.

A few minutes later, Phil’s mind had wandered. Suddenly all he could think about was the video they did where they asked each other questions and proved they were truly best friends. Because that’s what they were. Best friends.

“Phil?”

“Yeah?”

Dan reached out and paused the show, sitting up and flipping on the light from the bedside table.

“I haven’t been entirely honest with you.” Dan was staring at his hands in his lap, stock still, back stiff, as if he was being punished for something. Phil wanted to help, but he wasn’t sure how.

“Hm?”

“I did say it.”

Now Phil was thoroughly confused, as Dan looked ashamed.

“What?”

Dan looked up, pleading. “Don't make me spell it out, please.”

Phil sat up, furrowing his eyebrows. “But I don't understand. What did you say?”

“I just want you to know that I love you with all of my heart and I'll never stop. You're beautiful and you're kind and you're wonderful,” Dan recited softly. It took Phil a moment to register what he had said, but by the time he figured it out Dan was halfway out the door.

“Dan?”

“I'm sorry,” Dan called, and it sounded like he was crying. Phil ran after him, not even stopping when his laptop fell off the bed and crashed to the ground with a troubling sound. Phil found Dan curled up in the hallway, holding his jeans ashamedly to his face.

“Dan, hey, hold on.”

“I'm sorry,” Dan said, then again and again and again as tears streamed down his face. Phil sat down and pulled Dan to him.

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” Phil said quietly, letting Dan cry it out. “You are just fine. Thank you.”

“Why are you thanking me?” Dan mumbled after a few minutes. “I’ve basically ruined our lives.”

“How so?” Phil murmured. Dan’s sobs had quieted down to soft hiccups.

“Cause now people are gonna think...” Dan said, then started crying harder. Phil hugged him tighter.

“They don’t have to know anything. We don’t have to tell them anything.”

“But they will!”

“They won’t. Not if we don’t tell them.”

Dan sat up, wiping at his eyes with his jeans. Phil tried to pull him back, but Dan shoved him away.

“Phil, do you not _get_ it? People are going to think-”

“I don’t care,” Phil interrupted loudly, “what anybody thinks. You love me, I love you, it’s nothing more than that. And if you’re going to let what our subscribers think about it affect whatever relationship we might have, then...then I dunno.” He sat back, deflated. “It’d suck. But at this point I’m in too deep to just leave you alone.”

Dan was silent for a few minutes, and Phil was too lost in his own thoughts to register what was happening. Then, suddenly-

“You love me?” Dan squeaked.

Phil looked up, confused. “...yeah?”

Dan was staring, wide eyed, at Phil. “Like, in love with me kind of love me?”

“ _Duh_ ,” Phil said, a bit rudely. “Of course I’m in love with you. That’s why I don’t understand what you’re so worked up about. People can speculate all they want, but as long as-”

“ _You love me_?” Dan repeated, more vigorously this time. Phil’s head jerked back.

“...yes?”

Then, suddenly-

_Well shit. Dan didn’t know._

“You mean you didn’t know?” Phil said, more surely this time. Dan blinked very slowly.

“What...the fuck.”

 

11:00 passed. Then 12:00. Then 12:30. They hadn’t moved.

“So...so you love me,” Dan repeated, staring straight at the wall in front of him. Phil nodded, though he knew Dan didn’t see.

“Yeah. And you…”

“I love you, yeah.”

Phil was also staring straight ahead. This revelation had seemingly fucked both of them up, as they hadn’t moved for several hours and kept rehashing that they loved each other.

Phil’s legs were numb. He stayed sitting.

“So we…”

“Yeah.”

Dan swallowed loudly. Neither of them moved. Phil hoped it would sink in soon, but as of now it just felt like a hovering cloud of fear.

“Dan?”

“Yeah?”

Phil finally looked over. Dan looked grateful that the mold had been broken, as he almost jumped towards Phil.

“Can we eat?”

Dan nodded. “Yeah. I won’t make toast.”

“Good,” Phil grinned.

Dan stood up first, dropping his jeans on the floor and stretching. He extended a hand to Phil, who took it gladly. Once they were both standing, Dan moved toward the kitchen, but Phil grabbed his shoulder.

“Hm?”

A quick kiss, on the side of the mouth, and Dan was taller than him, but it was fine, so Phil grinned.

“Love you,” Phil said quietly. Dan blushed wildly.

“Love you,” Dan repeated. Then he took Phil’s hand.

Phil was floating.

 

Reality hit them when Martyn showed up.

“Are you _serious_?”

Martyn pushed his way past Phil without so much as even saying hello.

“Hi, Martyn,” Dan called from the lounge. Martyn stormed in, pointing at Dan dangerously.

“You're going to drag my _brother_ into this like--like _that_?”

“Martyn!”

Phil rushed in behind him, trying to pull him into a different room. Dan looked hurt.

“Martyn, leave it alone, okay-”

“No!” Martyn shouted. “He's going to ruin your reputation by rehashing something that nobody even _cares_ about?”

“ _Dan_ is something to care about,” Phil spat. “I don't care what you think about my reputation. Dan and I are in this together.”

“Should we be?” Dan said quietly. Phil glared at him.

“I don't _care_ if I _should_ be or not. We are each other's origin stories. You're my best friend. We are in this together. So _cut it out_.”

“He's _right_ ,” Martyn hissed, grabbing Phil’s shoulder. “You don't _need_ to be in this together if he's going to do this to you.”

“He isn't doing anything but sharing experiences with his audience! Some people may have been in similar situations. He's proving they aren't alone. Now shut up and get out of our _house_!”

Phil’s chest heaved as he pushed Martyn towards the door roughly. Martyn kept trying to argue, but Phil shut him out and locked the door. He stayed there for a few moments, catching his breath, before he made his way back to Dan.

“Phil?”

Dan was waiting in the doorway, playing with his hands nervously.

“I've never yelled at him like that,” Phil said quietly. Dan held out his arms.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not now,” Phil said. He grabbed one of Dan’s outstretched hands, then let it go, then sighed loudly. “I just--why is everyone so convinced this was a bad idea?”

“I dunno,” Dan said softly. Phil frowned and finally let Dan pull him into a hug.

“We are in this together, okay? You aren't alone,” Phil insisted.

“No,” Dan whispered into Phil's shoulder. “I'm not alone.”

 

->Martyn: What the hell were you thinking??

->Martyn: None of this is Dan’s fault.

<-Martyn: Because of what he said everyone is speculating about you two

<-Martyn: They aren’t focused on either of your content anymore because they want to know about the supposed ‘relationship’ that’s going on

<-Martyn: By the way, don’t get into a relationship with him

->Martyn: What does that have to do with anything???

<-Martyn: He’s bad news as a person

<-Martyn: He’s the emo one, you’re the nice innocent one

<-Martyn: You’re the one people should like more and he’s somehow made it about both of you instead of your individual selves

->Martyn: A, you don’t get to tell me who I can and cannot be involved with, manager be damned. B, we may be individuals but we’re also connected. And C, fuck off, Martyn. This is bigger than you’ll ever understand.

<-Martyn: I’m trying to look out for my baby brother. So sue me

->Martyn: Fuck you.

<-Martyn: Phil, come on. Be reasonable

<-Martyn: Phil?

<-Martyn: I’m trying to help you. You can’t fault me for that

->Martyn: I can fault you for blaming Dan when he hasn’t done anything. He was suicidal. I helped him not be suicidal anymore. What is your damage? Can’t you just be happy that I helped someone and because of that probably helped many more people?

<-Martyn: I never thought of it like that.

->Martyn: No, you wouldn’t. You’re only focused on me. It’s supposed to be about both of us, Martyn. That’s why we hired you. But maybe I’ll start looking for someone better suited for the job.

->Martyn: Good night.

<-Martyn: Phil, you wouldn’t dare

<-Martyn: Phil I’m sorry

<-Martyn: Phil?

 

Phil and Dan had fallen asleep in Dan’s bed, but when Phil woke up a few hours later, Dan wasn’t there.

“Dan?”

A noise came from the kitchen. Phil frowned and rolled out of bed, looking around. Something seemed amiss. _Wrong_. But he wasn’t sure what.

“Dan, where are you?”

Something clattered in the kitchen. Phil jumped into action and started running.

“ _Dan_?”

All the lights were off and Dan was on the floor, illuminated only by the light of the open fridge.

“Phil?”

“Dan! What happened?”

Phil cocked his head. Everything seemed okay.

Dan laughed hollowly. Phil slowly realized he couldn’t see Dan’s face.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you. I was just looking for…”

“Looking for what?”

“Well,” Dan said softly. “This.” And he brandished a large kitchen knife from his lap.

Phil took in a sharp breath. “Dan, why did you need that? Why are you on the floor?” He couldn’t find the strength to move forward and check for himself.

Dan sniffed. “I wanted to just end it, y’know? But I can’t. Like, watch, I can do this-”

Dan stabbed his arm in the light of the fridge. It made a sickening squish and blood splattered out as the knife went all the way through, but Dan didn’t even flinch.

“-but it doesn’t do anything! I can’t seem to die.”

Phil felt ill. “Dan, how long have you been…?”

“Testing it?” Dan chuckled. “A while. I keep hoping I’ll bleed out soon. But maybe the universe wanted you to see this.”

“Wh--why would it want that?” Phil’s voice was faint. Suddenly, Dan was pushing himself into a standing position. Phil couldn’t move towards him, or further away. He just had to watch as Dan, blood dripping from several places on his body, lurched towards him.

“This is because of you,” Dan said, sounding stronger than he looked. “Because you didn’t tell me in time.”

“Tell you _what_?”

“That you love me, if you even _do_ ,” Dan said. “One can never be sure.”

“Of course I-” Phil said, but he choked before he could get the word ‘love’ out.

“See? You can’t even say it.”

Dan was close enough to touch. Phil couldn’t make himself do it. In the dim light, Phil could just make out some of Dan’s facial features, including the many slash marks across his face.

“Dan, what have you _done_?”

He wanted to ask ‘what have you done _to yourself_ ’, but somehow the full sentence didn’t make its way out.

“You were part of this,” Dan said, suddenly very faint. “You were the _cause_ of this.” And then he collapsed.

 

Phil was gone when Dan woke up. At first he was confused by the sound from the bathroom and why the bed was still warm, and then he realized that Phil must be vomiting in the bathroom.

“Phil?”

Something clattered in the bathroom, and Dan ran to check.

Phil was hunched over the toilet, looking like he had tried to stand up but failed massively. He was clutching his head in his hand, tears streaming down his face.

“Phil, what happened? Are you okay?”

Dan knelt next to Phil, hands fluttering around nervously. Phil wouldn’t look at him.

“Phil, please, look at me. What happened, darling? Are you sick?”

“You-” Phil stuttered. Dan touched his knee and Phil jerked away as if he had been burned.

“Phil? Are you hurt?”

“You were…” Phil said softly, then broke down crying again. He refused Dan’s touch entirely. Dan was at a loss.

“I was what, Phil?”

 

<-Martyn: You’re going to rue the day you ever did this to my brother

->Martyn: what did i do?? he just keeps crying he won’t talk to me what did i do let me fix this

<-Martyn: ?????

<-Martyn: I meant the video???

<-Martyn: Why is he crying???

<-Martyn: You’re in deep shit now, Howell. Watch your fucking back. Nobody hurts my brother.

 

Dan sighed at his phone, looking back up at Phil, who had finally calmed down but still wouldn’t look up.

“Your brother hates me.”

Phil laughed wetly. “Of course he does.”

“What did I do?” Dan asked cautiously. Phil sighed, finally looking up. Something like relief flooded his face and suddenly he was across the floor and burying himself in Dan’s arms.

“Phil?”

“Please don’t make me talk about it.” Phil’s voice was muffled, but Dan just nodded.

So they didn’t talk about it.

 

At least twice a week, one of them would have an episode. Dan would wake up screaming, Phil would wake up needing to vomit. And it was fine. They didn’t talk about it. They would just (not so) subtly hold each other closer. Sometimes they kissed. Sometimes they did more. Sometimes they didn’t do a single thing. It was fine. They didn’t mind. They didn’t talk about it. They kept making videos. They kept avoiding the subject entirely. They kept avoiding their families. It was fine.

Fine.

 

A few months later, there was a knock at the door.

“I got it,” Phil called. It was a ‘nothing’ day. They hadn’t had an episode. They were fine.

Adrian was at the door. He expected another brotherly meltdown. Instead he got a hug.

“Adrian?”

“I’m glad you’re here, Phil,” Adrian said softly. Phil hesitantly hugged him back.

“I’m glad to see you too?”

Adrian laughed, straightening out of the hug. “No, like--I’m glad you’re at the house. I want to talk to you.”

“I’ll go get Dan-”

“No, not with Dan.”

Phil narrowed his eyes then. “Does Dan know you’re here?”

“Yeah.”

“So why can’t I-”

“He wants me to tell you something that he doesn’t have the balls to tell you himself.”

There was a faint yell of complaint from the kitchen. Phil cocked his head.

“What?”

Adrian laughed. “Mind if I come in?”

Phil gestured him through the open door. “Be our guest.”

Adrian looked around, and Phil realized he hadn’t been to the new apartment yet, even though it had been nearly a year.

“Do you want a tour?” he said suddenly.

“Nah.”

Phil was nervous. He wasn’t really sure why Adrian was here, except to step in for Dan for...some reason.

Adrian was acting way too nonchalant about this.

“So, Phil, where do you feel most comfortable doing this?”

Phil swallowed. “Uh...the lounge? What exactly is happening?”

“I’ll be in my room,” Dan said, suddenly emerging from the kitchen with a plate stacked high with snacks and a Ribena in hand.

“Dan, what’s happening?”

Adrian disappeared into the lounge and Dan disappeared upstairs and Phil was left in the foyer confused and alone.

“Phil, come on. The faster we get it over with the better it’ll be.”

Phil finally joined Adrian on the couch, wringing his hands nervously.

“Yeah?”

“Dan has dreams about you dying.”

Phil went pale. Dan too?

“Yeah?” Phil squeaked. Adrian frowned.

“Look, I know that it’s kind of hard to hear that your boyfriend dreams-”

“He isn’t really my boyfriend,” Phil said lowly. Adrian ignored him.

“-of you dying, but it’s not on purpose. That’s why he screams. Because he’s so upset.”

“H-how?” Phil said softly.

“How what?”

“Do I die?”

Adrian bit his lip. “Different ways. Sometimes it’s an axe, sometimes it’s a rope, y’know...various ways.”

Phil felt ill again.

So Dan had dreams that Phil was killing himself and Phil had dreams that Dan was killing himself and what did that say about them?

“But, like, don’t worry. He says it’s stopped being so personal. Now it’s a stranger.”

Phil did a double take.

“Wait, _what_?”

“Y’know. Doing the killing.” Adrian shrugged. “It used to be somebody else, but Dan would never say who.”

Phil relaxed. “Someone _else_ is killing me?”

“...yes?”

Now Phil looked like a freak. Obviously. Because what normal person dreams about their boyfriend killing himself night after night in horrible, mutilating ways?

The dreams this past week had been water based. Dan drowned himself in the bathtub. Dan threw himself into the ocean. Dan dehydrated himself until he passed out and hit his head.

The week before had been accident based, though somehow still incredibly malicious. He stepped in front of a car and died in Phil’s arms. He slipped while shaving and slit his throat. He tripped down the stairs and never stopped falling. Each time Dan waited for Phil to get his hopes up that he _might_ be able to help--just so it could be that more heartbreaking when Dan died anyway, no matter what Phil did.

Then, there was the one week about a month ago when he had a full week of nightmares. He couldn’t keep anything down, even during the day, because of it. He’d dream he was in a funhouse and Dan was teasing him, saying “Come find me!” even though he wasn’t really there. Every day there was a new door and this Dream Dan would welcome him warmly before paralyzing Phil and making him watch as Dan slowly tortured himself to death. Asphyxiation. Slicing off his own skin. Bleeding out (onto Phil’s face, no less). Drawn and quartered, burned alive, and starving himself until he passed out and dissolved were the honorable mentions. A masochist’s wet dream, really. But the crowning nightmare that week was when Dan looked eighteen and was in his bedroom and Phil _wasn’t_ paralyzed but it was still too late. This one was horrific because Dan _did_ need the letters and Phil just hadn’t done anything in time. He watched Dan slowly fall asleep, then wake up coughing blood, then as his family rushed in and took him to the hospital. Dan screamed in pain the entire way, but Phil knew he wouldn’t come back from that hospital trip. After Phil had woken up and vomited, Dan at his side, he grabbed Dan tight, sobbed loudly, and didn’t let him go for the rest of the day. The next night Phil refused to let them sleep. Dan seemed more shaken that night too, but Phil hadn’t even realized that they must have both been dreaming at the same time.

“Phil?”

Phil snapped out of his memories, blinking until Adrian came into focus again.

“Sorry.”

“I’m sorry if it’s that upsetting,” Adrian said softly, extending a tissue to Phil. Phil took it and wiped his eyes, though it took him an extra minute to recognize that he was crying.

“No, it’s just--I’m glad that’s all they are.”

“Phil, Dan gets really upset about these. You’ve seen them. He has to watch you die at someone else’s hand night after night. That’s taxing.”

“I just figured if they were anything like m-” Phil began to say, then caught himself. “Like what I was _thinking_ they were, y’know…”

“What did you think they were?”

Phil sighed. Adrian was being so patient, but Phil had slipped up too much.

“I dunno. Worse than that. I can deal with that. I can be alive for him.”

“That’s all he needs,” Adrian said. “But he didn’t want to admit that he was having those kinds of dreams, y’know, to your _face_.”

“Yeah, I get that. Er--thanks, Adrian, I’m gonna-” Phil stood up, balling the tissue up in his hand. “I wanna go talk to Dan.”

“Don’t ask him for details,” Adrian warned, already heading towards the door.

“I won’t,” Phil promised.

 

->Dodie: Hey, so I have a bit of a problem

<-Dodie: I don’t know anything about male problems, are you sure you have the right person?

->Dodie: It’s not like that. I just

<-Dodie: You just what?

->Dodie: I’ve been having these...really disturbing dreams, and I feel like I need to talk to someone about them before I try to tell Dan about them

<-Dodie: Wait, why can’t you tell Dan?

->Dodie: He’s part of them. Sort of.

->Dodie: It’s hard to explain about context and I feel like you’re the least likely to judge me for them

<-Dodie: When would you like to meet?

 

“Dan?”

Dan grunted from his room. He smiled when Phil opened the door, popping some popcorn in his mouth.

“Did Adrian leave already?”

“Yeah. I got the gist of it.”

Dan’s smile dropped a little. “I don’t really want to…”

“I know. I won’t make you talk about it,” Phil assured him softly, scooting some of the snacks to the side so he could lay next to Dan. “I just wanted to be here.”

Dan’s smile grew brighter. “Thanks,” he said quietly. Phil wiggled his way under Dan’s arm, stealing some popcorn as he went. “Hey!”

“Sharing is caring,” Phil laughed. “What are you watching?”

“I dunno. Some movie. I’m not really paying attention.”

“Want to watch anime and not move for the rest of the day?”

“It’s like you read my mind.”

 

The crowning dream was back, but there was no funhouse this time. Phil was at Dan’s old house, outside the door to Dan’s room, and inside Dan was retching.

Phil wouldn’t open the door. Not until someone else came.

What felt like an eternity passed. Nobody came. It was up to Phil.

“Phil!”

Phil jumped and spun around. Dan’s house fell away until Dan was standing in front of him, small and eighteen and covered in blood.

“You weren’t even going to save me? It’s no fun if you don’t play along.”

“I don’t _like_ this game!”

Phil’s voice cracked. Dan laughed cruelly.

“It’s nowhere near over. You get to keep playing _as long as I want_.”

“How do I win? Or _you_ win? How does _anyone_ win this game?”

Dan cocked his head.

“That’s easy. Get your Dan to join me in here.”

“I...what?” Phil tried to stumble back, but there was nothing there. Dan zoomed forward, grabbing his arm, morphing into the 26 year old Dan that Phil loved.

“If you want me to stop doing this to you,” Dan said lowly. “You have to make sure Dan-- _your_ Dan--joins me. He’s got to die. And then I’ll never bother you again.”

Phil felt himself gag, but he couldn’t wake up.

“ _No_!”

“I’ll never bother you again,” Dan promised.

 

Dan was holding him so tightly that Phil felt like he couldn’t breathe.

“Phil, baby, please wake up, please-”

“Dan-?”

Dan pulled back. “Do you need to vomit? Are you okay? This seemed different, what happened?” he whispered frantically.

Phil felt numb. He grabbed one of Dan’s hands, held it tightly, and lay them both back down.

“Dan, please, calm down, I-”

“Phil, don’t tell me that was _nothing_ ,” Dan spat. Phil knew he was just worried. He still didn’t appreciate the tone.

“No, it was something. It was bad. But it’s fine,” Phil muttered. “I think I know of a way to stop it.”

 

“ _Therapy_?”

“It might ease my conscience a little,” Phil said, shoving some more cereal in his mouth. “It’s nothing personal.”

Dan set his bowl down, staring at Phil as if he had grown four extra heads. “I _don’t_ need therapy.”

“Just once,” Phil shrugged. “That’s all I’m asking.”

“I tried it before, and she gave me some bullshit about needing to write letters to myself or something,” Dan scoffed. “I took her pill prescription and got the hell out of there. And anyway, I’m _fine_ now.”

“I just think-”

“Phil, please,” Dan said, grabbing the box of cereal, setting it on the table, and taking Phil’s hands. “What do I have to do to convince you that I don’t need to go to therapy?”

_I’ll never bother you again._

“Just try it once and I’ll never bother you about it again,” Phil said. He was echoing his worst enemy, but apparently it got through.

“...you promise?”

“Of course.”

“You _swear_.”

“Yes, Dan, I swear.”

Dan kissed him. Phil had learned not to really react.

“Pinky swear or I’ll never kiss you again.”

Juvenile.

Phil did it anyway.

 

Phil met Dodie a few days later, the same day Dan decided to try therapy, because Phil had pinky promised, and Dan kept pinky promises.

“Hi, Phil!”

“Dodie, hey!”

They were in the same shop as last time. It seemed unfair to ruin the sanctity of its innocence, but he had to do it somewhere and it felt wrong to do it at home. So. Starbucks.

“Okay, so, spill. What is up?”

Dodie was adorable. She looked so earnest and ready to listen. Phil wanted to be her best friend.

“I’ve been having dreams that Dan kills himself, violently, at _least_ three times a week. And he’s having dreams that someone is killing _me_ three times a week.” Phil shrugged. It was best to get it over with.

Dodie’s face dropped. She was silent for a minute, then…

“Explain that from the _beginning_ , please?”

 

<-Dan: hey, the meeting is over. got another prescription.

<-Dan: and i may or may not have another session already scheduled.

<-Dan: i hate to admit it, but you may have been right.

<-Dan: phil?

<-Dan: okay, i guess i’ll meet you at home?

<-Dan: have you died

->Dan: Sorry hi no I’m not dead!! I’m at lunch with Dodie, we’re catching up

->Dan: But I’m about to head home, yeah. Want me to grab you lunch?

<-Dan: yeah. pasta please. you’re the best.

->Dan: I do what I can. See you at home in like 20ish minutes!!!

<-Dan: <3

 

Phil’s heart did the flippy over thing when he saw Dan’s last text. Then his stomach did the flippy over thing when he heard what Dodie said.

“You’re one hundred percent _sure_ I should tell him?”

“I don’t think you should keep it to yourself. Or do what he did, and have your brother tell him.”

“Martyn wants nothing to do with him, unfortunately.”

“Okay, then get _his_ brother to do it.”

“That’s horrific.”

“Do you want _me_ to do it?”

Phil flushed at the thought of Dodie having to tell Dan his darkest secrets.

“No, er, thanks, though. I’ll just--I’ll tell him.”

“Soon,” Dodie insisted.

“Tonight?”

“If you feel like the timing is right.”

 _The timing will never be right,_ Phil thought. _But it’s now or never._

 

He chickened out that night. Dan looked a bit worn out from his meeting and he told Phil he just wanted to sleep because his new meds seemed to be disagreeing with him so he didn’t do it that night. And the morning seemed wrong. The next night they were filming. The night after that was editing.

Editing was better. They could be distracted and Phil could avoid dealing with Dan’s reaction in favor of work.

He fell asleep before he got the courage.

 

Dream Dan was pissed off.

“Ah, yes, because _therapy_ will fix how fucked up I am.”

“Go away,” Phil said strongly. Dan laughed.

“I’m in your head. You can’t get rid of me.”

Phil imagined himself in a therapy room. It was there, and Dan was on a couch, and Phil was the therapist.

“You,” Phil said, “have issues.”

“Okay, let’s try this,” Dan said. He waved his hand and suddenly Phil was strapped to a pole on a sinking ship. Then, Phil noticed, Dan tied himself up to the ship too.

“This,” Dan said, “is depression. And you and I are going to sink with it. We’re going to lose. Badly.”

Water swept over his feet. Phil tried to jump away, but the water just came faster.

“Get me off!”

He imagined a knife. He imagined a saw. He imagined a shark. None of them came to rescue him.

“We’re losing,” Dan called. He was relaxed. He accepted his fate.

Phil refused.

He imagined Dan, editing the new video in the office, headphones on, dancing to himself and humming. That Dan turned around, taking his headphones off.

“Huh?”

“Dan?”

 

Phil was mumbling something in his sleep, but normally it wasn’t loud enough to hear through the headphones. So maybe he was yelling.

Dan slipped the headphones off, turning to look at Phil. His eyes were open, staring at Dan, but he definitely didn’t seem awake.

“Huh?”

“I want off this ship,” Phil mumbled. Dan grabbed his shoulder and shook him a bit. Phil shot straight up, gasping, and Dan just smiled.

“Welcome back, sleeping beauty.” Dan sighed and went back to the video.

He was more perturbed than he would let on, but Phil didn’t have to know.

“Dan?”

“Yeah?”

“I have dreams about you killing yourself.”

Dan froze, spinning back around slowly. “What?”

Phil looked guilty, and Dan immediately reached for his hand.

“I--I keep having these nightmares where you die, in these really violent ways, and-”

“Phil, breathe, hold on. What?”

Phil took a deep breath. “I keep having these nightmares where you find a really violent way to kill yourself,” he said softly, avoiding Dan’s eyes. “It’s different every time. But now he’s started talking to me.”

So. Phil had gone crazy. That was comforting. Dan tried not to let his worry show on his face.

 

“ _Who’s_ started talking to you?”

“The--the dream you, Dream Dan, he has his own personality. I think he’s a masochist,” Phil mumbled. Slowly, he looked up at Dan, and winced when Dan looked horrified.

“I... _what_?”

“You know how I wake up vomiting?”

“Yeah?”

“I keep dreaming that you off yourself in different ways. Violently. Lots of blood, usually, and I’m never allowed to do anything.”

“And...and the Dan in your dreams is _controlling_ you?”

Dan scrunched his nose. Phil shrunk.

“Well...not really, but sort of?”

Phil knew what was coming next.

 _Are you sure_ **_you_ ** _shouldn’t try therapy?_

“Phil,” Dan said slowly. “I know you’ve been wanting _me_ to try therapy, but are you sure you weren’t just... _projecting_ , or something?”

Phil pulled his hands back. “I wasn’t. They’re just nightmares.”

“If the Dan in your dreams is controlling you-”

“It isn’t _like_ that!” Phil insisted. Dan jerked back at the sudden hostility. “Listen, I just--you have dreams where I die, right? It’s like that.”

“It’s _nothing_ like that,” Dan hissed. “You don’t even know what happens in them.”

“Someone kills me,” Phil said bluntly. “And that’s why you get upset. It’s the same kind of deal, except you’re the one doing the killing, and you’re also your own victim.”

“Mine never _change_ ,” Dan said.

“Sometimes it’s a knife. Sometimes it’s a rope.”

“How do you know that?”

Dan was deflating. Phil wasn’t making things better. He kept pressing.

There was nothing wrong with him.

“Adrian told me. And now it’s a stranger instead of Mr. Big and Bad from before, whoever the hell that was.”

Dan stared down at the ground. “He wasn’t...it wasn’t just that.”

“I don’t know _who_ it was before,” Phil said, lowering his voice, “and my point is that however scared you are of him is the same amount of scared I am of the Dan in my dreams. But they aren’t real.”

“He is real,” Dan said softly.

“He’s not, Dan,” Phil said, reaching for Dan’s hand. Dan jerked away, turning back to the video.

“Just...go away, okay? I want to get this done and go to bed.”

“Dan-”

“Get out,” Dan insisted, turning to glare at Phil. There were tears in his eyes, but Phil wondered if they were from the daggers that were shooting out. “Just--just get out.”

 

Phil waited up for Dan. He was in his own room, and usually Dan came to sleep with him, so if he wasn’t in Dan’s room Dan would probably come find him.

Three hours passed. Maybe Dan was still editing.

Another two hours. Maybe he was trying to do an extra good job.

It was almost 5 am by the time Phil got up to check on Dan. Dan was sound asleep in his own bed, with several pillows stacked where Phil would usually be sleeping.

Phil went back to his room and didn’t come out for the next two days.

 

<-Martyn: Dan. I just wanted to apologize. I was out of line. I shouldn’t have yelled at you. I understand now that this was your way of asking for help, which shouldn’t be ignored. I should be there for you instead of pushing you away.

->Martyn: ...you realize I’m not Dan, right?

<-Martyn: Does that sound sincere Phil

<-Martyn: I need advice

->Martyn: Here’s some advice: remove the stick from up your ass and talk to him like a normal person instead of copying a page from one of those “how to deal with suicidal people for dummies” books

->Martyn: I’m busy now, go away

<-Martyn: Phil, I’m trying to do some good here

<-Martyn: Cut me some slack

 

They were stuck in another cycle of ‘fine’. Dan was fine and Phil was fine and Dan took his meds and Phil pretended like the bed wasn’t cold at night. Every month, Dan refilled his prescriptions. Every two weeks, Dan went to therapy. Every night, Dan went to bed alone. Every day, Phil worked by himself. Every two weeks, Phil ventured out of his room. Every month, Phil went to pick up the prescriptions. They still had nightmares, but they learned to deal on their own. There were less screams and less vomit involved. And for once, it really was fine.

 

Five months, twenty days, and seven hours. This was the first time Dan had run out early. But it was fine.

“Hey, Phil?”

“Yeah?”

“I need to call in my prescription today.”

“Already?”

Dan kept staring at the bottle in his hand. It helped, he told himself. They help.

“Yeah.”

Phil came to the doorway, which was...new. He hadn’t seen Phil in a while.

“Are you supposed to be taking them that often?”

“They help,” Dan said dully. Phil just nodded.

“Okay.”

 

There was a problem picking them up, something about them not being ready and only being available at the doctor’s orders.

“It’s fine,” Dan insisted. “I’ll be fine.”

And for a few days, he was fine. All he needed to last was ten days. It was fine.

 

Day one. He had the same nightmare, but it seemed less intense than usual. No other problems. He had to stop himself from going into Phil’s room to say hello, though. Still. Fine.

 

Day two. The nightmare wasn’t really a nightmare, more like a dream that he couldn’t wake up from. He was in the flat, and Phil was in his room, and the only way Dan knew he wasn’t awake was because he saw himself in his bed bathed in blood while he was walking around. No amount of screaming woke him up. Once he had accepted that he lived in this twisted dream world, Phil woke him up and asked him if he wanted lunch. He felt anxious the rest of the day. But it was fine.

 

Days three and four were much the same. They were less fine, though, because the anxiety kept piling up on top of each previous day.

 

Day five was Friday. Phil woke him up earlier than usual.

“Dan?”

“Hm?”

Phil was dressed up nicely. “I’m going to leave soon.”

“Eh?”

Dan sat up. He was confused, moreso than usual.

“I’m going home this weekend,” Phil said carefully. It took Dan a moment, but finally he remembered.

“Right, yeah. Alright. Safe travels.”

“Do you want me to stay? I mean, since you don’t have your meds…”

“Thanks, Phil, but I’ll be fine,” Dan insisted. “When’s your train? You don’t want to miss it.”

“At five tonight.” Phil looked nervous. “Just, uh...let me know if you change your mind.”

Dan moseyed around all day, pretending Phil wasn’t watching him like a hawk. Finally, four o’clock rolled around, and Phil was nearly out the door, but-

“Dan?”

“Yeah?”

Phil kissed him, softly, quickly, platonically. “I’m coming back Sunday afternoon, but...let me know if you need me to come home early. I can and will.”

“Thanks,” Dan said carefully. “Safe travels.”

“Promise me, Dan.”

His no-nonsense voice. Dan felt a bit dizzy.

“Promise.”

He only uncrossed his fingers once Phil had been gone fifteen minutes.

 

The house was boring without Phil. True, they hadn’t been spending much time together, but at least they had gaming videos to film and animes to watch. He couldn’t get ahead without Phil, and he didn’t want to film a solo video, so he just...lay on the couch for a while. Then he got up to look out the window. Went back to the couch. Explored the kitchen. The walls seemed a lot further apart when Phil’s smile wasn’t filling the room. Dan tried to touch every wall, just to feel less alone. It didn’t help. He went back to the kitchen, stared at it, walked around, opened the fridge, and…

Ah. So. Phil had restocked the beer.

There wasn’t any harm, right? He hadn’t had his meds in a few days, so that wouldn’t interfere. What harm could one beer do?

 

A lot. One beer was a gate.

Friday night, Dan had two beers. He was tipsy. He nicked himself shaving the beard he didn’t have. The jury was still out on whether it was on purpose or not.

Saturday morning, Dan hadn’t gone to sleep. Day six started at three A.M. with Dan looking up nearby bars, then proceeding to wander his way over to one. They sent him back home at noon on Saturday, reminding him to get food and drink water. He did neither. He just restocked the beer supply. Once home, he proceeded to consume it all.

Saturday night was bad. He was scared and alone and kept looking towards the bathroom longingly. He knew that the ibuprofen bottle had sixty one pills and the Aleve bottle had forty eight pills and Phil had a prescription from when he had laryngitis but Dan wasn’t sure how many pills were in it so why not go check?

Dan grabbed all three pill bottles, took another swig of the last bottle of beer, and sat on the floor, ready to count.

 

Saturday night was good. Phil saw some old friends of his and hung out with his dad and talked some things out with Martyn and life was great.

Well. Dan wasn’t texting back. But maybe he had gone to sleep early.

Offhandedly, Phil googled what happened when someone didn’t get their antidepressants on time. Dan wasn’t irritable, he didn’t complain of a headache or nausea, he didn’t seem to have the flu, and he probably wasn’t having electric shock sensations. But Dan might have had heightened anxiety, he definitely had vivid dreams, he seemed dizzy and tired and maybe a bit depressed again.

He changed his train back to Saturday night, just in case.

 

The lock on the front door had recently begun to stick. It was nearly two A.M. and Phil was tired and he just wanted to make sure Dan was okay but the lock was stuck again and it was frustrating. Finally it popped open, making Phil stumble his way in. He dropped the duffle bag by the door, slipped off his shoes, and made his way to the kitchen, where the only light was on.

“Dan?”

He heard a clatter from somewhere. His heart started racing again, but he had to remind himself this wasn’t his nightmare. Dan was fine. He was probably somewhere messing with something he shouldn’t have been. Like a cat.

Automatically, he made his way to Dan’s room, but stopped when he saw that the bathroom light was on.

“Dan? Are you alright?”

Maybe he was nauseous. That wasn’t good.

Dan made some kind of noise to let Phil know he was alive. Somehow, it didn’t alleviate the worry in Phil’s stomach.

“Dan?”

Dan yanked the door open, beer strong on his breath and circles dark under his eyes.

“Phil? You’re home?”

Phil froze. _Bad dream bad dream bad dream bad dream bad dream-_

Dan stumbled forward, latching his arms onto Phil’s neck. “I missed you!”

**_Not a dream not a dream not a dream not a dream not a dream-_ **

“Dan, are you okay?”

“I’m tired,” Dan said quietly, slipping to the floor. Phil dragged him back up, trying to look Dan in the eyes.

“You are home early,” Dan said drunkenly. Phil just took a deep breath.

“Surprise? Do you need to-”

Over Dan’s shoulder, he saw the bottles on the floor, both pill and beer.

“I didn’t take any,” Dan mumbled. He sounded sad. Maybe disappointed. “I wanted to.”

“Thank you for not taking any,” Phil said on autopilot. “Let’s get you...let’s go lay you down.”

As they stumbled down the hall, Phil basically carrying Dan, Dan hummed a sad tune from nowhere. Phil tucked Dan in carefully, avoiding the way Dan kept his lips puckered for a kiss.

“Phil?” Dan said. Phil was nearly out the door. His anxiety was rocketing. He wanted to count the pills, make sure the number was the same as before.

“Yes, Dan?” Phil said shortly. He didn’t look back.

“I’m glad you came home-” Dan hiccuped, “-before I did something I regretted.”

“How many pills were there?” Phil demanded. He still didn’t turn. He wasn’t angry, he was just-

Well, yeah, he _was_ angry. At the world for making Dan this sad.

“Sixty one and forty eight and sixteen,” Dan said immediately. He sounded sleepy.

“You’re going to have a hell of a hangover,” Phil said flatly. Then he turned off the light and left the room, shutting the door behind him.

 

“Drink.”

Dan pulled the cover up over his eyes. He knew whatever Phil wanted would probably help him in the long run, but he was tired and felt ill and he just wanted to sleep.

“Dan, wake up. I got your medicine and some water so just sit up and drink.”

“Hm?”

Sunday morning was good. Phil had gotten the prescription after a lot of fighting with the pharmacist and Dan wasn’t dead and there were exactly sixty one and forty eight and sixteen and things were good. That is, if Dan would wake up and take his medicine and drink the water and not be hungover.

“Dan, please, I don’t have the energy for this. Just sit up and drink this goddamn water!”

Dan removed the covers at that. Phil didn’t like to curse unless it was something serious. He had a joke on the tip of his tongue about this being the elixir of life or something, but-

Phil looked so exhausted. The circles under his eyes were big and dark and his hair was flat and his stubble was growing out and he looked great from one perspective, but Dan was worried that he was going to vomit.

“Phil?”

“Take. The. Medicine. I was up all night getting this shit and I want you to go back to being okay as soon as possible so _here_.”

That’s when Dan noticed the tears lingering just behind Phil’s eyes. Quietly, he took the pills, then drank the water. Phil nodded when he was done.

“Thank you. Now I’m going to-”

“Stay,” Dan said, voice raw. “You look like you’re going to die any second.

Phil paused, then nodded. “Scoot over.”

So Phil curled up into Dan’s side, for once not minding being the little spoon. They sat there for a while, not saying anything, until finally Phil was about to drift to sleep.

“You know, we’ll have to talk about this eventually,” Phil said softly. Dan nodded.

“I know. But not now.”

Phil agreed. “Not now.”


End file.
